Sorry •Muke•

RANT

Okay, I am so sorry, but there are a few things that you need to know and I will list those first:

1. School started today for me so that means slower updates

2. that's actually it

Now I need to let this out somewhere don't kill me please.

Okay so basically if you read 1. they you will know I went back to school today and I need to tell someone what happened because I am going to explode in miserey and anxiety.

Basically, I have terrible anxiety when it comes to things like the first day of school. To add to it, I only have 1 friend there with me and she isn't in any of my classes. It gets worse.

I woke up at 4am  (It's nearly 9pm now) because my best friend Kaitlyn is 2 hours ahead of me so she starts school at 6 in my time. I wanted to talk to her before she went to school so I got up extra early. That was fine, I wasn't really tired and I would rather talk to her than sleep.

So I go to homeroom (We only have it on the first day of school, go there when school starts and before it ends for some reason) and I sit next to my brother who is new to the school because he is in 6th grade. Anyways, so I am already panicing, I hadn't ate anything for the past like 18 hours and I had drank an entire thing of gatorade before going to school. This is only the start.

Then, in home room (Which I had this bitch who is also my English teacher, she is monotone and hates phones ew) anyways, so my phone started playing We Are The In Crowd. I HAD MY FUCKING HEADPHONES IN AND I PUT MY PHONE ON SILENT WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME

Anyways, so I turn it off, but then it happens again. Now, I wouldn't be so pissed off but you see the kid 2 tables away was playing rap music about 10 minutes beforehand, through his speaker, and everyone could hear it but no one gave a shit. But when my phone accidently starts playing music I get yelled at and almost get my phone taken.

See, I wouldn't really besides the fact that everyone in the god damned class was looking at me. I already have anxiety, this just added to it and I nearly fainted. That's when I got that bad taste in my mouth, like the one right before you throw up ew it was terrible.

Then, my best friend Bella had given me gum and now I have braces right, and you aren't allowed to have gum at school. So I shoved my gum, into my top left part of my braces. Then, she accidently gave me another which I managed to put on the top right on my braces. 

Now, the gum actually helped with my anxiety, whenever I got really super nervous and my heart rate started to speed up I would just lick the gum and taste the minty favour and it suprisinly helped me by a ton.

So then 2nd period I have the student aid for the couslers office (which is super cool cause I am like the head of all the school helpers and I get to run around helping people) but after that I saw that I had PE, now I didn't on my first schedulle which I got a few weeks ago. I was confused at first so I went to PE only to see that I messed up and I now had Algebra.

So I race all the way to the other side of the school only to walk in panting and all red (I turn bright red just by walking after the slug speed, damn genetics) so I walk in, my skinny jeans are falling and my shirt is all messed up.

Now I knew this girl named Chloe and I thought I could trust her and all that but last year she just dumped me off after I had told her that I selfharmed and purged. So yeah she acted like nohting happened. She gave me this magnet for my locker in Geography and it was that picture of Ashton with the shopping cart from his birthday.

Basically that fell out of my binder onto the floor, meaning I had to reach down and grab it, I am fat so I don't like actually leaving my bed so I hated that. Anyways, I grab my seat and I am next to the door and again everyone stares at me.

I HAVE ANXIETY THIS WAS HELL IT PROBABLY DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT BECAUSE I AM TRYING TO BE AS CALM AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT HAVING A HEARTATTACK BUT THAT'S NOT EXACTLY EASY SORRY

Then, I get to PE and I SWEAR EVER PERSON IN THERE WAS STARING AT ME, THIS IS WHAT ITS LIKE HAVING ANXIETY GUYS PLEASE TELL ME IF I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE HERE WITH ANXIETY BECAUSE IT WOULD REALLY HELP ME RIGHT NOW

ANYWAYS BUT HERE IS THE REAL PROBLEM

So, if you read my little notes you will know I am dating this wonderful boy named Ross. He is very sweet and also very fit (which explains why I was so shocked when he asked me out) but that's not the problem.

Okay, so I don't think I ever wrote this in an authors note cause it was after the face but I have this friend named Christian (I don't evenknow how iI became friends with him, I just kinda did, ew friendzoned), he is the school badboy emo and he is extremely hot and shit. So I had the freaking biggest crush on him last year, I swear my heart almost stopped every time I saw him.

But what happened, was I don't have any classes with him but I saw him in the hall. He got tappers in his ears (they are used to stretch your ears, I explained them in the story) a fucking lip piercing and his hair is galaxy. DOES ANYONE HAVE A GUN PLEASE SHOOT ME NOW!

So, here is were the problem. The same thing happened to me when I saw him earlier today, as I did when I had a crush on him. WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE TALK TO ME ASAP BECAUSE LIKE SERIOUSLY I AM INTERNALLY DYING BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TODAY HELP

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND BUT I STILL MAY HAVE A CRUSH ON CHRISTIAN PLEASE HELP I CAN'T BREAK UP WITH ROSS BECAUSE HE WILL HATE ME AND GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Though, it gets even worse. When I saw him passing by me in the quad (I have no idea why they call it that, they just do, my school is run by shit heads) but I literally stopped walking, made eye contact with him and shouted "WHAT" but I have an accent sorta so it sounded more like "wot" yeah, THIS WASN'T OKAY

So yeah, there is a shit ton more but I didn't feel like writing it. Basically today I found out that;

1. SHUT DOWN YOUR PHONE DURING SCHOOL

2. MY ANXIETY IS WROSE THEN I THOUGHT IT WAS

3. I MIGHT STILL HAVE A FUCKING CRUSH ON CHRISTIAN BUT I HAVE A BOYFRIEND PLEASE HELP

IF YOU DO HAVE ANXIETY PLEASE TELL ME SO I DON'T FEEL ALONE AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME WITH THE BOYFRIEND/CHRISTIAN INCIDENCE