Finding a Way | Adopted by Gerard Way

Be Brave

As soon as I get home I run up to my room to shower and change into a new outfit. Gerard can wait.

My shower was anything but relaxing, by the way. My hands shook the whole time, and my heart rate was probably too fast.

There's something I thought about, though; calling him dad. I really want to, but once I do, there's no going back. I can't call him dad one day and be like "haha nope, didn't like that" then go back to calling him Gerard. That'd be... what's the word?

Cowardly.

I'm such a fucking coward. A little bit of stress and I'm having a complete meltdown. A little bit of pizza and I'm spiralling into a whirlwind of self hatred and disgust. My own father wanting to talk to me sends me straight up to my room. Coward.

C'mon Evelyn, be brave. You've managed to skip breakfast every day, so surely you can get through this one conversation. Why not stop snacking altogether while you're at it?

That's irrelevant!

Gerard has the best snacks I've ever been exposed to. None of that fancy organic shit Mrs. Miller insisted on buying. I'm talking Pop-Tarts, sugary cereal, ice cream.

I'll survive without them.

Once my hair is dry, I leave my room, wearing a hoodie and leggings. My heart is pounding at the idea of recounting the events of last night, but he's gonna want to know everything. How am I meant to tell him when I can barely explain it to myself? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

"Hey, Eve." Gerard greets me as I enter the living room. He's in his usual spot on the couch.

"Hi." I say feebly.

"You okay?" He asks as I sit beside him.

I just shrug my shoulders.

"You wanna talk about it?" It. The incident. My breakdown. My fuck-up.

"Do I have a choice?"

"I'm not gonna pressure you, but I want you to know you can tell me anything, alright? Any-fuckin-thing."

I nod, and look down at the floor, not wanting to meet his eyes. "First of all, how much do you really... care? I don't wanna bore you, or anything."

"Hey, no, don't even say that. I care so much, Eve. You can talk as much as you want, and I'll listen. I'm here for you."

I sigh, "Okay, well, last night I... I was just— I don't know." I pause to compose myself a bit before stumbling through more words. "I was just thinking about stuff, I guess, and then it was all too much."

"What was all too much?" He asks softly.

"Well... everything that was going on in my head. Like, I was thinking about school. Then, if I'm gonna make any friends. I couldn't help but think, what if everyone there hates me? What if I have to sit alone everyday like at my old school? Just so many "what ifs".

"That's when I first started crying, I think. I was just, like, very aware of every worst possible thing that could end up happening. So, that's when you came in, and everything was moving so fast in my head and I just couldn't stop it...

"And I thought that was bad, but then I remembered all the shitty things that have happened in my life. That's when I really started panicking. But those things are in the past, you know? I shouldn't be dwelling on that stuff anymore. I should be able to move on."

I pause to take a breath, still staring at the floor, and Gerard is listening intently, so I add the most important part of what happened last night. "Then I'm remembering the day before my mom got rid of me more vividly than ever and- well... Why didn't she want me, Gee? What did I ever do?"