Finding a Way | Adopted by Gerard Way

Nothing But a Tragedy

(12/17/06, Sunday, in case you were wondering)

2AM: when the most interesting people are still awake. The artists, the addicts, and the broken ones who look only to the moon for consolation, but who never receive it.

It's also just late enough— or early, I guess— that it's becoming ridiculous that my eyes are still open and alert. But my body won't let me fall asleep. It's as though it knows something I don't. If I fall asleep will my heart stop? Maybe so, but I'll never find out because I'm just shivering under my pile of blankets, barely even able to blink.

There's way too much racing through my mind, namely the events of the past day. It was a mess and it's all my fault, and this time that's a truth that no one can deny.

I had woken up, disoriented, at the sound of Gerard's voice in a nearby room. I wasn't sure where I was, but I would soon learn it was Ray's couch that I was sleeping on.

"She fucking what!?" His yelling didn't help what I think was the worst headache I've ever experienced.

"Keep it down, Gee, she's asleep!" I heard Frank hiss.

"Keep it down?" Gerard asked incredulously. "You just told me that my daughter was out in the woods smoking and getting drunk with a few random kids. What else was she doing? Getting high? Pregnant? Jesus Christ, I'm not ready to be a grandfather." He sounded on the verge of tears.

"First of all, don't jump to conclusions," Frank said.

"Secondly," Ray interjects, "Just- just try and calm down, okay? Cause she can't hurt herself anymore now that she's asleep, alright? Let's keep it that way."

"Right," I hear Gerard sigh deeply. "Well what the fuck do I do now? I'm obviously gonna have to talk to her. I just can't believe she ran off and- and did that."

Neither could I. Yeah, maybe I was damaging myself by staying shut up in my room all the time, but wasn't that a hundred times better than running off and drinking underage? Disappointing everyone in my life? And then waking up feeling like a fucking crash test dummy? I remember what happened, but it's hazy. I know I went to The Box, I eventually got mad and stormed off before Frank and Ray found me in the park. What I remember most clearly, though, is where I was planning to storm off to.

That's how I know I really wasn't thinking straight.

I couldn't help it, I turned over and covered my throbbing head with a blanket and just started crying. I heard everyone in the other room stop talking and moving: they heard me. A few sets of footsteps approached and I heard Gerard ask hesitantly, "Evelyn?"

Not Evie. Not even Eve.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me. I know all four of them were standing there, probably casting nervous glances at each other, unsure of how to handle the situation. All I know is I felt like garbage and I wasn't going to say a thing. Still, they all tried to get me to speak, or at least acknowledge them, for a while, but then realized they weren't going to get anywhere. I was much too ashamed to meet anyone's eyes, and the light wasn't helping my headache anyway.

After a long moment of silence I heard Mikey mutter, "Should we just take her back, Gee?"

That's when I finally choked out a few desperate words, heartbroken but somehow not surprised at what I was hearing. "No- no please. I know you hate me now, I know, but p-please don't take me b-back." My voice cracks, "P-please."