Ghost of You

24

-Kennedy-

Time heals all wounds.

A saying that everyone knows, but one that I didn't find to hold true. Time dragged on and everyday felt the same. It was like living in slow motion.

Every night was a struggle to fall asleep, my brain wouldn't quiet down and nightmares kept me from ever having a sound night of sleep. When I woke after a night terror the walls of our room seemed to close in on me. My breathing would speed up to the point where it sounded like I had just run a marathon. The only thing that could calm me down was looking to the other side of the bed and seeing Luke's peaceful face. Knowing he was there was enough for me to realize that I was safe.

When I woke up in the morning I would be in Luke's arms. As much as I loved him and as much as I wanted to be held, the feeling of skin against mine seemed to burn. I would feel like I was melting under the contact, so I would wriggle out of his hold and move to the far side of the mattress. It pained me to do this, but to stay pressed against him made me feel like I was disintegrating.

I'd get up and get ready on a good day. Other days I wouldn't bother trying to look presentable because I just didn't have the motivation for that anymore. Luke thought I was beautiful no matter what. Even when I let my hair go wild and didn't have a drop of makeup on my skin, he would still give me a good morning kiss and complement me when he made his way down for breakfast. He claimed that he liked being able to see the freckles on my cheeks and the way that my hair got all wavy like jungle vines.

I was mostly working from home or with brands that I knew I could trust because individual clients scared me. I turned many people down due to my inability to meet a client at a location alone without having a panic attack. I also spent lots of time editing. I used to enjoy the actual shoots the most, but being in the comfort of my own home in front of my laptop felt a lot safer to me.

Luke came and went. He alternated between working on new music or writing and meeting with the rest of the band and/or management team. He always made time for me though, I felt bad that I couldn't enjoy it as much as I used to. Something had changed within me. I didn't recognize the fearful bland person I was becoming, I didn't feel like myself.

Slowly things got progressively worse. I felt trapped like at the hospital. My skin would feel unlike my own so I would start itching it and before I knew it Luke would point out that I was bleeding from the raking of my nails against my skin. He took care of me with lots of patience and warmth, but it just made me feel worse. I felt burdensome and I knew that if this continued for much longer he wouldn't ever be happy with me again.

I had made it through that much of my repetitive daily schedule. The day had slipped away and I had nothing to show for it. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and stared at my reflection. Dark circles were stamped beneath my eyes like stains that never went away. My eyes were no longer their vivid green color, but instead they were red as if I had been crying and a muddy green. I didn't recognize the lifeless body before me.

I slowly pulled up my shirt to reveal a scar on my torso from when I had stabbed myself with a scalpel at the hospital. It was just below my ribs. I ran my finger over it, it was like a small mountain range. It was a reminder of what had happened to me. It brought up fear and pain within me and there was nothing I could do about it.

I saw Luke watching me from the doorway.

"It's one of those days isn't it?" He said softly.

I nodded. I seemed to be having "one of those days" all the time now.

"It's hideous." I pointed out as I looked at the raised scar tissue in the mirror.

He came closer, "I think it gives you character. It's proof of how tough you are."