Ghost of You

34

-Luke-

Confusion.

It's hard enough to cope with a death, but a resurrection? The feelings made me feel like I was stuck in a whirlpool, being whipped back and forth, dragged under by the current. I felt an immense gratitude that I had been given a second chance with the love of my life, but at the same time I didn't know how to talk to the person that I had been grieving over.

I felt selfish for thinking it, but it was hard to know that the person you loved was hurting so bad that they had decided to leave you. I kept trying to convince myself that she was the same Kennedy that I had always loved, but we both knew that wasn't true. We had both grown and changed and hopefully it was for the better.

We decided that space was the best thing to have. Kennedy still needed to finish her course of therapy treatments before she could move out. But in the meantime we decided that we should meet at least once to clear up all the things that happened in the blur and to be able to tell each other everything we didn't get a chance to say.

I pulled up to the spot we had planned to meet at, Kennedy had suggested it because she knew all the hidden spots as a part of her job as a photographer. Spring was at its peak so all the wildflowers were blooming, showing off their vibrant petals. I spotted Kennedy kneeling down to snap a picture of a fawn nibbling at the sweet green grass. It reminded me of the deer we had seen on our trip to the lake and fond memories filled my mind. My cheeks flushed lightly as I remembered that it was the place where we had first made love.

"You're blushing," She smiled, examining my rosy cheeks. She was clothed in a little white shift dress with flowy sleeves and embroidery details that gave me tiny glimpses of her freckled skin. I felt the heat in my face grow stronger as I admired her simple beauty.

"I uh- I was just remembering our night at the lake when I saw the deer."

She nodded with a chuckle, light flickering in her eyes, "That was quite the trip wasn't it?"

She laid out a large blanket and patted it motioning for me to sit down next to her. I sat down hugging my knees to my chest for comfort.

"Where to begin..." She murmured, staring out at the field of flowers. There was a brief silence, filled by the wild rustling through the tall grass.

I ran my hand through my hair, "Why don't we ask what we want to know? It'll give us direction." She nodded in agreement. "You can start."

She fiddled with the hospital band bound tightly around her dainty wrist, "What happened when you left? Did you hookup with that girl because you didn't love me anymore?" The words came out of her mouth crackley and strained.

I ran my hand through my hair, shaking my head in disgust at myself, "No, I would never. I know the picture looked really bad, but I swear she was just a groupie that manipulated me. I couldn't live with myself if I had cheated on you, especially in the state you were in."

Her shoulders dropped in relief. "I'm sorry I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt. The pictures were just so real. And she called me with your phone."

I groaned, "I left my phone there when I was running from the groupies and she must've picked it up. I don't blame you, it really did look like a scandal outside of context."

"Your turn," she prompted.

"Why didn't you answer any of my calls? I may not have had my phone but I called you from all of the other guys' phones everyday."

She sighed, replaying the events couldn't be easy for her. "Well, I was having a meltdown and then I saw the pictures and got the call from the girl I thought you were sleeping with so I threw my phone so hard it shattered into a million little pieces. So I didn't even get your calls." An apologetic look washed across her face.

"How was it," she paused. "Thinking that I was dead?"

I laughed dryly, "It was absolute hell."

She looked down in sympathy.

"Was it my fault? Was I the reason you um attempted it?" I cleared my throat awkwardly. I knew this wouldn't be easy but these were things we needed to hear from each other.

"Oh no," she shook her head. "You were the only thing that was keeping me sane and when you left I gave way to my own psychological trauma. Don't blame yourself, my mental health was in a terrible state and I'm recovering it now."

She thought for a minute before blurting out her question, "Do you love me?"

I was taken aback by this question, I almost dropped the wreath I was weaving out of the tall grass and wildflowers. But I didn't let it go, I kept winding the pieces as I spoke.

"I have loved you since the moment I met you." I smiled warmly.

Her worried eyes softened. "But I am not the same girl I was when we fell in love."

"I know," I reached out and gently stroked her cheek with my fingers. "You're stronger and wiser and tougher and even more beautiful than I remember."

She peered up at me through her long dark lashes. "You always were one to flatter."

"Oh no, it's simply a side effect of when a woman has conquered my heart." I smirked. "You're a queen with no crown, my dear. I believe I can do something to fix that." I took the completed wildflower wreath and placed it on her head. She looked like a goddess in her flowy white dress, dark hair cascading down in ocean like waves beneath her flower crown.

She searched for the words before whispering, "Do you ever think that you'll be able to forgive me?"

"For what?" I asked.

She averted her eyes, "For abandoning you, for thinking the worst of you, for giving up on myself."

I took a minute to articulate my swirling thoughts, "I'm not angry with you or resentful, I just think we're both still hurting in different ways right now. But I need you to know that I love you and I am ready to do it all again if it means that I can spend a few more moments with you."

She reached up and traced the lines of my face lightly with her fingertips, "Tell me this isn't a dream and I won't wake up searching for you."

"This is real."