Ghost of You

31

-Luke-

"I don't know, Calum." I said for the millionth time that night. The chatter from the club was making my brain spin as I tried to think clearly. I put my elbows on the table and buried my hands in my hair.

"Luke," He sighed looking at me in disappointment. "You can do this. You get up and sing in front of thousands of people every night while we're on tour. You just need to tell your story to the judge. That's it."

I shook my head. If it was that easy I wouldn't have panicked and stormed out when Ashton asked me if I would testify. "It's really not that simple. It's not just my story. It's our story, it's her story, it's her life we're talking about. How do you put that into words? Someone losing control of their body? Someone being so broken that it leads to the taking of their own life? It's absolutely terrifying."

Calum called for another round of drinks. "Bring em quick, he need the liquid courage."

He let out a deep sigh. "I get that you're scared, but I don't see what the dilemma is. You have to do it. You loved-"

I cut him off, "Love. I still love her and I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop." As much as I wanted the words to be sharp and tough sounding, they came out like lace, soft and delicate.

Calum's face softened and he patted my arm. "Luke, you're a good person. And I know that this is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but you need to do this. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for her."

I nodded and the server set the drinks down before us. I took a big gulp of the hard liquor. It burned my throat and seemed to free up my thoughts. Before I knew it I had downed the whole thing. It was a bad habit I had taken up in wake of recent events. The alcohol dissolved my filter and before I could stop them, the words flew out of my mouth in an abrupt confession. "I'm scared to testify because I think I'm just as guilty as Will is for her death."

Calum's eyes widened and he set his glass down. "You don't really think that do you?"

I hid my face in shame.

"Luke," Calum asserted. "Tell me that you don't think that."

I didn't want to answer his question with a lie so instead I reached over to the untouched glass in front of him and emptied it into my system. The alcohol sent a rush of electricity through my bones and despite most people's intoxicated reactions, I felt more alert than ever.

I was suddenly armed with a false sense of bravery. "I do think that." I affirmed. Calum opened his mouth to say something but I stopped him before he could comment about how this wasn't my fault. "I know what you're going to say. And no, I'm far from innocent and I think deep down we all know that. I left the love of my life alone when she needed me most. I let another girl kiss me. I let Kennedy think that she wasn't enough for me. All of this happened and I didn't come home to check on her because I was too focused on the success of my career. I was too much of an idiot to tell her that I loved her and now she's gone and all I have to keep me company is my shame. She deserved so much more than what I had to offer her. So yes Calum I do really believe that I am just as guilty as he is."

I expected Calum to give me some sort of pep talk about how it wasn't my fault and how things were going to be ok, but he didn't. He looked at me with a straight face and said the most sobering three words possible.

"Get over yourself."

It was like a slap in the face and a cold shower all at once. "What?"

"I said get over yourself." His face was drawn into hard lines and the seriousness in his eyes made me feel small. "You know what? All of the things you said are true, and I'm not going to sit here and lie to you saying that they aren't. I'm also not going to coddle you because I know you're better than this. I'm going to give it to you straight. If that's the reason why you don't show up to testify in court then you're a real selfish coward."

"That pathetic piece of bullshit you just pulled might work on other people, but I see right through you. I know you. You're scared of failing because you don't want to disappoint the girl you love. You feel like you need to avenge her and that terrifies you because the minute you see Will in the courtroom you're going to contemplate murdering him in cold blood. So no I won't take your dramatic little excuse about your personal feelings. If you're so prideful that you won't stand up for the person you love out of your own self pity, I will deny that I know you because that is not the Luke Hemmings I grew up with."

I realized that I had stopped breathing. It was the first time in about a month that anyone had actually talked to me. I had been surviving off of sympathetic conversations and pitied looks. Though the words burned at me it was refreshing to hear something real, to be treated like a real person for once.

"You're right."

Calum who had been armed and ready with a full sermon did a double take at my response.

"I'm going to do it. I'll testify. I may be selfish and cowardly, but there's one person I'll always put before myself and that's Kennedy. I didn't tell her I loved her then but I want my life to serve as proof that I do."

Calum stared at me in amazement.

"Thank you, I needed someone to set me straight." I admitted.

"Anytime." He replied a smile creeping at the corners of his lips, "C'mere Hemmo."

He slid into my side of the booth and gave me a rough hug.

"Gotta keep my little brother in line."

I laughed. "I'm 6' 4'', I don't really think that's considered little."

"Doesn't matter. The point is that you're my family now and I'm going to do everything I can to be there for you. I'll be there, all the boys will be there, to support you." He encouraged.

He snagged two shot glasses off of a nearby waiter's tray and handed me one.

I took the clear glass in my hand and raised it to my cheeky friend before tossing my head back and allowing the liquid to seep down my throat. It was time for me to do what I had been evading. It was time for me to face the truth.