Pothos and the Neikea

23. There's always a bigger douche

Two days weren't enough to calm down. How could Rey go to Civil and Environmental Engineering on Wednesday? Rose proposed they said she was sick again, just like the previous day. But Rey knew Kylo wouldn't buy it. And she would never give him the satisfaction of seeming heartbroken for him. She put on a dress, just because it was the easiest thing to throw over her head without needing too much brain effort. But it also made her look like she had her shit together and that was an absolute plus. She thought about sitting with that guy again that Kylo had been furious to see her with, but that would be her giving him the game he wanted. That would be her showing she still thought about him. What's more, the boy was probably too scared to get near her again.

She walked to her usual seat early that day. So early, no other person was in the room. She took out her textbooks and started writing down whatever she could in order to distract herself. And it worked. She didn't even hear the door open and someone enter. Someone's steps halting immediately. Someone's labored breathing. She had all her attention on her writing and she almost jumped off her seat when she heard her name being spoken.

The voice belonged to her professor, that she recognized instantly. It was low and harsh and sounded full of pain. She raised her head, turning slowly to look at him. Ben Solo was standing at the same row of seats as her, turned to face her, his back over his shoulder, his lips pressed together, his eyes red. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. The view should have made her feel good. All it did was make her confused. How could she look like she was in a better condition than him? Wasn't this what he wanted?

"Are you… are you okay?" he mumbled, clearing his throat.

Rey frowned at him. Should she act like nothing had happened? Maybe that way he wouldn't think she had affected her that much. Maybe that way she would be able to keep some of her dignity. But then again, why not admit the truth? She shouldn't be embarrassed by it, he should.

"Do you care?" she snapped at him.

She could see the grip on his bag tightening. Kylo glanced at the door, and then took a step closer.

"Look, Rey-"

"Don't talk to me," she interrupted him.

Kylo stopped. He got ready to say something else, but Rey just turned back to her textbook. The door opened, a young boy walking in, and the professor looked back ahead and descended the stairs as if nothing had happened. Soon enough, the auditorium was full and the lecture started. Everytime Rey looked up, she met Kylo's eyes, and it made her wonder whether he was looking at her all the time, or it was just a coincidence.

He asked a question Rey knew the answer to but decided against raising her hand; who was in the mood of speaking right now? Yet Kylo decided to call her name anyway. Rey rolled her eyes and answered, thinking she would take him by surprise. Thinking this was his way of being petty. But he didn't shift, he didn't blink. He gave her a tiny smile, taking the moment to absorb her eyes into his. Rey realized too late this was his way of getting to hear her voice. Of making her look at him.

The class ended, but Rey still had so many questions unanswered. Since he was the one who had dumped her, why was he doing all that? She thought back to what Finn had said the other day. What were the chances that he didn't really want to break things off? Looking into his eyes, they seemed a lot. Looking at his texts, not so much. But there was an itch in Rey's palm, a sting in her stomach. He had said everything he had via texts, and she had a feeling that if they were to talk in person, his words would be a lot different. Face to face, where he couldn't hide behind a screen, where she could see his eyes and body language.