Poems Pt. 1 (On Going)

Why Do I Always Do This To Myself

Why do I always do this to myself ?
I stare emptily at sign, that says save yourself.
It's hard not to go back,
Is it something that I lack?
I accept these emotions and I accept the pain,
Why do I still feel like everything I ever do is in vain?
I'm not the type to cry out loud,
I just want to be the one who makes my parents proud.
But how can they be proud of a daughter they barely know?
Who always hides and tries her best to keep it on the low?
Do you know how hard it is, Mom and Dad?
Do you know you're the ones I'll always miss, Mom and Dad?
I'm sorry for my mistakes,
I'm sorry that my mind is sick.
I'm sorry it's my heart that breaks,
I guess I'm just twistedly homesick.

I always hide my problems and act like I can do it on my own,
I just wish the memories of the past aren't the only thing I feel like I've known.
I love you and I don't want to blame you,
But the reasons are you and the things you do.
Mom, remember the first time you hit  and screamed at your own daughter?
Dad, remember when you drove with alcohol in your veins or when you got angry and threatened your own daughter?
I wish I could forget,
Because every time I think about it I break out in sweat.

I pretend I don't care just so we can be civil to each other,
Sometimes I wonder why do I even bother?
It's no secret I ran away,
Searching for a better life and a better way.
You used to be the one I adored,
But I guess you showed your true colours or got bored.
Because of you I'm not emotionally stable,
I can barely look into your eyes across the table.
Because of you I've got trust and daddy issues,
I already lost count of the times you made me cry or the tissues.

But they're not to blame,
As long as we can act as a happy family so I don't get called another ugly name.
What if I can barely hold it in?
What if I wish karma could get to you and your sin?
I was born as the child of darkness,
Love is something I'm incapable to harness.
I sing my lonely song into the night,
Only one accompanying me is the moonlight.

It tells me to hold on and let go of your emotions,
With that you'll cross through thousands of oceans.
Again tonight I try to forget and forgive,
Maybe someday I'll be able to change and truly live.
I know it's not going to be easy,
And it does make me queasy.
But if there's something I know is I'm strong,
Just please give me hope so I can last long.