my consciousness follows the change of seasons as the earth shifts around the sun. rainwater has dressed the naked branches in luscious green and rebirthed the colours of distant woods. and as with the nature, i am growing. remembering half-forgotten dreams and melting time into infinity — growing, but not "growing up." i still carry youth in my heart and find myself torn by indecision. my mind is yet to be caged by the bars of society's expectations. a liquid soul weaving through this substantial world, still formless as to embody every form . . . in other words, free.
i am not changing . . . but rather, evolving. i have come to believe that an individual does not ever change, in the sense that they achieve a new identity, and alter who they are at the roots. no matter how i try, i will always be me. the ghost of my past lingering in words softly spoken. the child i once was is still inside me somewhere. but somewhere along the path of growing, i abandoned myself.
the outer demeanor and pose of the mind we assume before the eyes of others, do not reflect ourselves but our surroundings — a polished surface mirroring the ideal image our unconscious whims have spun together. mirrors reflecting mirrors. light shattering on our masks, unable to reach through. but when we connect more with our subconsciousness and let rise our true selves, we discard all the pretenses and illusions we have created for ourselves. and we will be able to see with the heart, not just with our eyes.
i have drifted away from who i was for a long time, but now i am coming back. by twisting my personality around and attempting to change into someone i wanted to be like, i ended up realising that you cannot force yourself into becoming something, for your growth has to happen naturally. i have stumbled away from my dreams but somehow, my indecisive footsteps have lead me to a growing certainty in who i am. through the brambles of my past, i found a path. by returning, i discovered how to move on forward. it started from the roots. only when i understood myself in both past and present time, could i learn to embody who i am, and evolve further toward a better version of myself.
17.5.18
