i woke up this morning with the lingering taste of a dream. a soft whisper rose from the depths of my subconsciousness, walking hand in hand with a parallell universe in which souls were deprived and light fell past the horizon of black holes. a ribbon of words fluttered in the void, stirring me awake.
is this what you think life is about? is this what you are?
don't you see how battered your state of mind is by looking around you — looking at yourself?
the words hung above my head, a continuous reminder of what i had been avoiding all this time. how far i had drifted away from myself. i sat cross-legged on my bed and poured out onto paper the thoughts i had restrained for the past weeks. the realisation that i had wasted so much of my time in late youth, worrying, self-sabotaging, trying to change myself to fit in — it struck me yesterday and i felt time rushing upon me like a waterfall, each drop a second, passing through my outstretched hands.
i used to be so caught up in my own insecurities and issues that i failed to notice that everyone else was going through the exact same things, and worse. losing a mother. ed's and depression and anxiety. running away from home. loneliness as profound as the winter nights. being bullied. my god, how narrow and sheltered a life i have lead, compared to theirs. i spun whirlwinds out of nothing and battled against myself for things so small and petty.
where had i put down my dreams? for what did i abandon them, why was i so consumed by fear and fluttering anxiety? i knew people who never gave up. who worked for their goals unwaveringly every day, so certain of what they desired, giving up so much to achieve one thing. i knew people who were pure strength. who had gone through hell but still carried a heart of gold, who loved fiercely and were always honest and so fucking real with themselves.
and who was i? was it called living, what i was doing? or had i just been existing along the edge of everything this whole time, half-awake, feet in shallow water?
it was time for me to wake up.
19.5.18
