something that is really silly but still has lingered in my head for the longest time. a little seed of worry tucked behind my ear. sometimes . . . sometimes i feel as though i am too lucky. too comfortable and privileged. as though i haven't experienced life with all its ups and downs, because i have never suffered as to crumble into soil and be rebirthed again in the wake of a haunting past. when i look at people around me i see what they have gone through. what sufferings and pain they had to cut aside using just their fingernails. but at the same time i feel as though i cannot see them clearly, for i cannot imagine going through the struggles that they have. and then i become guilty. for thinking this way. for my inability to sail independently through my life without imagining a million pairs of eyes upon my back. for devaluing the beautiful moments and experiences that have lead me along a path of so many opportunities for growth and further positivity. i become guilty because i feel like i am showing off when i am not. because some people look at the surface and compares the illusive image of perfection to the negative side of their own lives.
i guess this is my insecurity. living too comfortably, stuck inside a circle of chalk, too lazy to step outside. i feel as though i have always been at the sidelines of everything. too detached. too nonchalant. no special places or people that feel completely like home. i am the drunkard from the little prince, cartwheeling on the same spot, distracting myself from my distractions. fearing the complete mental freedom that i have, weaving self deprecating habits. overthinking. i just want to help other people. scissor away some of their pain. hold their heart in my hands to warm it up. listen. give. receive and give back more. exhale love like it is carbon dioxide. connect. that is all i desire.
all the bad things i have gone through were self-induced and purely a matter of lack of self-actualisation. time to stop comparing and fluttering around choices. i am so grateful for everything. i just wish everyone could see what i do in the sunset every evening. i wish to reflect more light to chase the darkness away.
does your external and physical surroundings truly reflect your inner mental state? i think it does, to a certain extent. what is the truth anyway? reality is distorted and shaped inside our minds, so does anyone truly know what is real? ive been realising that i can create my own reality... that i do indeed have a say in the world revolving around me. i am the one creating my own life, regardless of what external sources i may encounter.
26.07.18
3.30am
