Thantophobia

9

I want to be the best thing in your life

H

I wake up to my head pounding against my skull. I shouldn't have drank so much last night. I press the palms of my hand to my eyes, so I don't get blinded by the sunlight leaking through the curtains. I let out a sigh and look to the side away from the window. I slowly open my eyes and the spot next to me is empty. I sigh and sit up. I see a note setting on Ellie's bed side table. I reach over and pick it up.

Good morning H, Set out some painkillers and water for you cause I know you'll need it. I'm out at the grocery store. Be back soon. Ellie.

I smile and ran a hand through my hair. I grab the medicine and bottled water and take them. I wish Ellie was still in bed with me. I could wake up beside her every day. I push the blanket off of me and decide to take a shower.

Last night I met with an owner of a studio called Vintage Hill Studios. I really liked it. I asked the questions that my boss in London wanted to know. Afterwards, I went out with the owner and a few of his mates for drinks. I could defiantly see myself living and working here. I'd get to see Ellie more. She is the only thing that really makes me feel something other than music. She makes me happy. Yesterday when she told me she is a reason for me to stay in New York, I was shocked. Maybe she does feel something for me. I wish I could just tell her how I feel about her, but I know she needs time with everything.

After my shower I wrap a towel around my waist and walk downstairs to find some food. Ellie is standing there putting things away when I walk in. I lean against the entryway of the kitchen and cross my arms. She is trying to put something on the very top shelf of one of the cabinets. Struggling I should add.

"Need help?" She turns her head to me and drops what was in her hand. She quickly looks away from me. I walk over to her and pick up what she dropped on the floor. I reach over her and set it on the top shelf.

"There you go." I smile down at her. I can see the blush on her cheeks. I step back from her and lean against the counter. She stays facing away from me and unpacks another bag.

"How's your head feeling?" She asks.

"Better thanks to you." I tell her. She turns her head to take a quick glance at me.

"Have a nice shower?" She questions.

"It was lovely." I say.

"Do you usually walk around in just a towel after?" She opens her fridge.

"No, I usually walk around naked." I tell her. She freezes after closing the fridge door.

"Well, in my house clothes are required." She walks back over to the counter with her back to me.

I walk up behind her and lean down close to her left ear.

"I'm sure you'd be more comfortable without them." I whisper. I can visibly see her tense up. "But for you, I guess I'll go put some on." I laugh and walk out of the kitchen. There are so many things I want to do to Ellie, but I know I'll never get to.

After I'm all dressed, I head back downstairs to find Ellie fixing some Lunch. She hands me a plate with a sandwich on it. I kiss her cheek and thank her. We sit down at the table and eat.

"So, I was thinking tomorrow, you know before you start your new job, I could take you somewhere to celebrate." I tell her.

"You don't have to." She says.

"I want to." I assure her.

"Only if it's nothing fancy." She requests.

"Deal." I wink at her. We both smiles at each other and finish our food.

////////////////////

I'm sitting on Ellie's living room floor with my guitar while she sits on her couch with her laptop typing away. I look at her and admire the way she scrunches her eyebrows together when she focuses too hard on something. The way she bites her lip when she is hesitant about writing or posting something. The way she closes her eyes and breathes heavily when she is frustrated. She is so cute with everything she does. I look back down at my guitar and start to strum a random melody. Ellie slams her laptop closed and sigh of frustration. She gets up from her couch and walks over to the window.

"What's wrong?" I look up at her. She stays silent. I set my guitar down and stand up.

"Ellie?" I say quietly. She takes a deep breath, lifting her shoulders as she does. I walk over and stand beside her.

"You can tell me anything." I tell her.

"Am I making a mistake?" She asks me. I look at her confused.

"Mistake? About what?" I ask her confused.

"I feel like I'm making the wrong decision. About everything." She mumbles.

"You're just overthinking it." I say.

"You're probably right. It's just ever since my parents died and I graduated college, I've felt lost. Like something is missing in my life and I can't figure out what it is." She explains to me.

"What do you think you're missing?" I question her.

"A lot. I don't know honestly. There's just something that I know in my heart is wrong or not where it's supposed to be." She tells me.

"Ellie, you are the strongest person I know. The most independent, talented, bravest, kindest person. Those are just a few words to describe you. You inspire me to be better and excel more." I turn to face her. She stays looking out the window.

"But you weren't there. After everything happened with my parents the only person I thought of was you." She explains to me. Me?

"Before you left for London, do you remember what you told me?" She asks.

"That I would always be there for you. No matter what." I remind her.

"But you weren't. Every time I was sitting alone in my room, crying for someone to hug me and comfort me, you never came. I'm realizing now that my tears weren't only from the loss of my parents, but also from the loss of you. You caused me more pain and tears than my own parent's death and I can't understand why. So, when you said you'd always be there for me, did you forget that you can't protect me from yourself?" I stand there looking at her in complete shock. I wasn't expecting to hear anything like that.

"Ellie, I'm sorry. I-."

"Don't. You don't need to say anything.' She interrupts me and starts to walk away.

"Ellie, wait." I grab her arm to pull her back. She looks at me and I see tears in her eyes. I hold onto her arms.

"Ellie, I know I can't make up those few years that we lost together, but I will try my hardest to fill the rest of them with so much happiness and excitement and love. You deserve nothing less. I wish I could give you so much more, but I can't, and I guess that's why I've always been so distant when it came to you. I can't give you what you want. You deserve someone better than me." I tell her honestly. She looks down at her feet and sniffles.

"I feel like ever since we've reconnected, I've tried to get closer to you, but you always shy away from me. Why is that?" I ask her.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me." I challenge her.

"I guess my problem is that I'm scared." She says.

"I'm scared of getting too attached again. Giving someone the power to control me. To end my whole world whenever they feel like it." She tells me. I stay quiet, thinking it all through.

"Am I close?" I bend down a little. She lifts her head up and her eyes look into mine with a mysterious, but calm gaze.

"Too."