Thantophobia

16

I know he doesn't love me, but I adore him anyway.

E

The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of him. I couldn't help it. I was hurting so much on the inside, and as much as I tried to control it, it couldn't keep it in.

"I'm not mad at you." I told him biting my bottom lip as tears roll down my cheeks.

"I'm mad at myself." He inched closer to me, taking my hand in his. His touch sent jolts of different emotions throughout my whole body. It send flashes of images in my mind. What we used to be, who is always has been to me, what I imagine we would be like together, and then the reality of what we are now. I yank my hand from his and rest it at my side.

"Stop." I whisper. "Just please stop." I could feel his intense stare on me. I was aware he didn't know what to say to me. I don't really expect him to say anything. I've sprung all of this on him suddenly. Here I am, my hair a wild mess, eye swollen and red with my mascara running down my face, trying to keep myself from loosing my balance. All I want to do is curl up in a little ball and cry or scream or sleep away all this pain.

I'm an absolute fucking mess right now.

After a few minutes of silence, I manage to find my voice again.

"Harry, I love you...and I'm mad at myself for believing this whole time that my love for you would be enough to carry us through all of this. For believing that I am enough for you to finally choose me. But again, I'm proven wrong." I tell my truth.

He doesn't say anything. I can't be here anymore. I need to get some fresh air in my lungs. I walk away from him and towards his front door. I grab the door knob and I'm about to twist it when Harry calls out my name.

"Ellie."

"I'm not here to say goodbye." My breathing is shaky as I speak.

"I'm here to say I want you. I will always want you. I've always wanted you. And if you want me, I will be yours. If you want me, tell me. I will always be yours until the stars die and our world is dust. Only if you will have me, I will wake up with you every morning and fall asleep every night by your side. If you want me, I will never leave your side, until the day you wish me a final goodbye. But unless today is the day you don't want me, I'm not here to say goodbye. If you aren't completely sure today, them let me leave. I'm here to tell you that you're the only one who can both break and heal my heart by the sound of your voice and the sight of your eyes. All I want is to push your hair out of the way when it falls in your beautiful eyes, trace the lines of every tattoo on your body while we lay in bed, and wake up to the smell of breakfast that you are always proud of making without burning everything is what I want." I pause and turn around to look at him.

"I want you." I tell him and wipe a few tears from my cheeks. He looks at me with shock and confusion written all over his face.

"You don't have to say anything Harry. I don't expect you to. I just needed you to know that." I turn back around and grab the knob again and open his door. I hear a few footsteps behind be but then they stop. I step out of his apartment and close his door. I take a deep breathe before walking to the stairs and take steps down them.

When I don't hear his door open or him running after me, I break down. Once I get to the bottom steps, my body gives out and I sit down. I lean my head against the wall and start sobbing.

I didn't just lose the love of my life but also my best friend. I'm completely broken and don't know how to fix it.

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I take the next flight back to New York. I called Alice before I got on my flight. I don't know how she understood anything I said. I was a mess of emotions. I still am. I've eventually stopped crying when I got back to my apartment. I've never felt more exhausted in my entire life. Once I get inside my place, I go to my room and collapse on my bed and instantly fall asleep.