Thantophobia

19

I was, I have, I am, I will always be, utterly and completely and totally in love with you. I have always known this my whole life, it just took me this long to realize it.

E

There is a serious problem with people like me. We find ourselves caring way too much. We tear off pieces of our own hearts and willingly give them out to others, until there is nothing left to give. Until every part of you it empty and all you have left is pain. Even then we still attempt to tear off parts that aren't there and end up tearing apart our souls. We make sure to fake smiles, when we really are trying to hold back our tears. We lose ourselves in the process of trying to help others find themselves. We give people our time and give none of it to ourselves.

I've come to slowly realize that I need to be on my own. Focus on myself and my career. People mess up when they believe loving someone means putting them first, but that is a bunch of mixed up nonsense. We are all suppose to live for ourselves, not the well being of others. It's our life and it consists of our choices and our decisions and our adventures and our emotions that directly affect us.

I've always been alone by choice, but I've never liked feeling lonely. I've always tried to put myself first. That's probably why I was never good at relationships. I just don't like to have my happiness rely on someone else. That a dangerous game that I'm failing at.

When Harry came back from London, I felt this huge rush of happiness go through my body when he looked at me. I didn't know it at the time. I thought I was just overly nervous, but I'm realizing now that he makes me so happy. But I'm starting to wonder if that's a good thing for me. Ever since he came back, I've wanted nothing more than to see him and be with him. When he went back, I was constantly wondering what he was doing or where he was. He was always constantly on my mind.

I'll always love Harry. I just don't think it's good for me to love him more than myself. I think we both need time to work on ourselves. Once we learn to love the person we are, our relationship will grow stronger.

The moment you sit back and put everyone else in front of yourself is the moment you stop being you and transform into something that other people need you to be for reliance and that's not love.

////////////////

It's almost Halloween. My favorite holiday. Clara is throwing a party and I'm so excited. I've felt more myself lately. I've been going out a lot more and enjoying every minute of it. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. Work has been going really well. I've loved every project I've worked on so far. I'm so lucky to be able to wake up everyday and love where I am. I never would have thought I'd be okay with my life. At the rate it was going, I felt miserable majority of the time. I didn't know what I was doing half the time. Now, surrounding myself with people who inspire me and motivate me have helped change my perspective on life.

There's just one thing missing. Rather one person.

Harry.

It's been almost a month since I received his voicemail. That was hard to listen to. Hearing him finally announce his love for me made me happy but confused. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted. I had just convinced myself that I needed to focus on me. No one else. And then out of nowhere, here comes Harry.

He always seems to do that. When I think I have made up my mind and start on a new path, here he comes to disrupt it.

He just confuses me. All the damn time. I told him I was in love with him and he ignores me for a month. Then he decides to declare his love for me, so I gave him the same treatment. I think he deserves to feel that same pain that I went through. I mean everyday for the past three weeks, I've wanted to call him back and tell him I want to be with him, but I know if I did that, we'd probably be right back a square one.