Thantophobia

15

She's an angel. My only angel.

H

"You're actually leaving?" I look up from my phone to see Niall leaning against the door frame of the studio.

"Yeah. I'm actually leaving." I lock my phone and shove it in my pocket.

"But my album isn't finished." He slides the chair out next to me and sit down.

"There are plenty of producer here that can pick up where we left off." I lean back and cross my arms.

"But I only want you to produce it. So, I guess that means I'll be visiting you quite often in LA." He laughs.

"Just give me heads up every time. LA is a busy place with busy people." I tell him.

"I heard that you also had a choice to go to New York City. Why did you choose LA?" He gets up to grab a guitar from the corner of the room and starts to tune it.

"Something completely different than London all together. Warmer weather and inspired people. People who aren't afraid to go after their dreams." I explain to him.

"Yeah those are all good things but isn't that girl of yours in New York?" He looks at me curiously. I look away from him and sigh.

"Yeah she is."

"And you love her?" He questions me. I snap my eyes up to look back at him. I nod.

"So why are not going to be with her? Why are you leaving her by herself again? I mean if I had a girl waiting for me, that I loved, I wouldn't hesitate to be where she is."

"Because," I pause.

"I don't know. I'm not good for her, I hurt her, you know? I hurt her in the past and sometimes without thinking. I think about what I put her through and how much she deserves better. I hated myself for ignoring her those three years I was gone, and I still hate myself. I hate knowing she is alone, but I know if I was with her, I would hurt her even more."

"Has she said that to you? That you hurt her?" Niall asks.

"In the past." I say.

"What about now?" He raises his eyebrows.

"She doesn't have to say anything. Yes, what I would love more than anything is to be with her. I do love her, but she deserves so much more than what I can give her. Her career is taking off and she is starting a new life for herself. I don't want to hold her back from someone amazing coming into her life. She deserves to be happy."

"But you aren't letting her define her own happiness." I look at him confusingly.

"By not being in her life, you're just hurting her more. She probably needs you and you seem to be avoiding her." He comments.

"I'm not avoiding her. I'm letting her live the life she has always wanted." I exclaim.

"But what if the life she wants is with you?"

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I wake up to someone shuffling around. I attempt to open my eyes, but my headache prevents it. I groan and hear a quiet laugh from beside me. I open my left eye and slowly my right. I rub the drowsiness out of them with the palms of my hands. When I can see clearly, I sit up and look to the noise beside me. Not recognizing the girl.

"You don't remember me do you?" She asks while pulling her clothes back on.

"Sorry, no." I cough.

"It's fine." She says. "Thanks for last night. It was fun." She smirks at me and leans down in front of my face and kisses my cheek.

"Call me sometime." She winks and turns around walking out of my room. I hear my front door close. I lay back down on my bed and blow out a breath. I close my eyes again and all I can see is Ellie.