Unattainable

Chapter 11 Uncertanties

I slipped from Shawn's embrace and made my way down the hall to a bathroom. I smiled at what had happened although, I will admit, I was a little shocked.

I pushed open the bathroom door, locking it behind, and turned the shower on.

Where would this lead? I pulled my hair up into a bun to keep it from the water.

Did I like him? I pulled my shirt over my head and unclipped my bra. I ran my fingers down my back and felt an aching for Shawn's hands to be there.

No you're just friends, right? I wiggled out of my pants and let them fall to the floor.

I stepped into the now steamy water, letting the liquid wash over my shoulders. I hugged myself and asked the ultimate question: Did he mean it?

Did he mean it when he kissed me? When he told me he had wanted to for a long time? When he drew me into his arms, when he'd kissed me again? When he fought Daemon to protect me, did he mean that?

I bent my head and turned away from the water letting it run down my back, washing away Shawn's fingerprints that had stained me through my shirt. His touch was almost poisonous, and I had fallen victim to his toxic way of making me want him.

I ran my hands up and down my arms, retracing the patterns he had drawn onto them. I let myself ache for his embrace, his hair in the crook of my neck, his hands on my face.

I needed to stop.

I had only just spent several minutes intimately with him and I was already craving to be back in his arms? This couldn't be going somewhere good.

No one, NO ONE had ever taken to me so quickly I mean it was all coming at me to quick, how could I possibly deceive myself into believing into it was real?

It couldn't be real, could it?

I stood in thought in the heat of the shower for another minute before I turned the water off. I rubbed my face trying to keep me awake. I was exhausted it had to be almost three now and I could barely see straight from exhaustion. Or maybe my heart was racing too fast for my mind to process what was going on. That had to be it.

I stepped out of the shower and looked under the sink for a towel. I found one and wrapped myself up in it. It was warm and felt wonderful on my damp skin.

I locked eyes with the figure emerging from the steam smeared mirror.

"Accept it." She said.

"It can't be real."

"It is. So take it. Just this once, accept it and live with it. Embrace it like he did you." She persisted.

I had no choice, the boy was waiting for me in the room down the hall to take me home. I couldn't give up on it now. I felt like I was more or less trying to convince myself that I couldn't give up on my heart.

It had failed me before but I had a feeling, a wonderful and victorious feeling about this time. I felt like I could accomplish anything. I knew I could now if I had someone like Shawn by my side, eager to know me and support me.

I let my hair fall back onto my shoulder, as I bent to put my clothes back on. I was going to go back to the room and continue living in the moment of whatever the moment came to be. Whether or not Shawn and I felt the same about each other in a special way was uncertain, yes, but that makes everything interesting. Uncertainties make it worth searching for answers.

I tossed the towel over the rack and opened the door and proceeded down the hall towards the room to meet Shawn closing the door. His back was turned to me as he turned the knob. He turned around and meted me with a shy smile.

"Ready?" He asked as he slipped his shoes on.

I smiled back at him. "Yeah, got everything?"

He nodded as he placed a hand on my shoulder to steady himself as he slammed his foot into his sneakers.

"Yup, let's go try to find our coats."

I slowly lifted a hand to my shoulder to brush his. I lifted it off as he stood and slipped my fingers into his.

'Uncertainties make it interesting' I reassured myself as he welcomed my hand with a squeeze.

He guided me towards the stairs and walked down into the mess of cups and misplaced pillows and clothes on the floor.

I felt him slowly drop my hand as he bent to move aside some of the garbage to look for our jackets.

"Even when we find them," he motioned for me to look "they're going to be absolutely disgusting."

I laughed as I picked up a hoodie with a dead goldfish attached to the end of one of the good strings.

"Someone must have dipped into the fish tank and the little guy bite on!"

Shawn's face broke into a wide smile as we laughed at the pure stupidity of the matter.

"Crazy party, man." He chuckled as he pulled my jacket from beneath a pile of empty beer boxes.

I stood and tip toed through the maze of trash. I took my jacket and went to slip into it.

Shawn opened it up and helped me into it. As my hands ran through the sleeves and I pulled myself into the coat, Shawn pulled me back against him.

"This is the craziest thing I've ever done that doesn't hurt, or make me sick the next morning. Do you realize how great you are?" He rested his chin on my shoulder.

I blushed. "I'm glad to be of service." I pulled his arms tighter around me as we swayed slowly.

"Astrid," he turned me around. "I know I said I want to get to know you better before we do anything serious but.."

I motioned for him to continue as his brown eyes searched mine. "Go ahead."

He looked down and grinned. "Well what if I know that I don't have to get to know you more than I already do to know that I want to spend a lot of time with you, not as friends?"

This is exactly what I had wanted to hear. But good things come to those who wait. But I'm an aeries and we are impatient. But I knew that I felt the way he did. I didn't want to wait.

I slipped my hands back to his and nudged his bet head to meet mine.

"Well, what if I told you I didn't have to wait to get to know you better to know that I already know I want to spend time with you-"

He bit his lip and smiled. "Not as friends?"

I nodded. "Not as friends."

I watched as cheeks flushed in the dark and I felt his hands get hot.

"So what if I asked you out on a date, not counting tomorrows ice cream date with my sister as the first one."

I looked away and pretended to seriously consider.

"I'd have to check my schedule," he groaned. "But I'll get back to you." I squeezed his hand again.

"Perfect." His smile was so wide and beautiful that it melted my heart all over and I fell even farther.

"Well alright then, I guess that's settled," I had one more question. "So what does this make us?"

He took my hand and steered me towards the coat rack by the front, he reached and grabbed his from beneath the few resting on top.

"Uncertainties."

I furrowed my brow as he opened the door and we stepped out into the dusk air and dew coveted world.

"Uncertainties?"

He nodded as he breathed a small puff of cold into my face and planted a kiss on my numbing nose.

"Precisely. You're my uncertainty, and I am yours and together we are to be uncertain about the moments, the future, and the feelings," he squeezed my hand again as he pulled me close again.

"Together."