Unattainable

Chapter 21 Flashback

SHAWNS POV(This is a flashback from Shawn's perspective but it's up to you guys to interpret it. Good luck and comment what you think. I suggest listening to Shawn's cover of Say Something while reading this. This ones for you @fleekshawn ily and stay strong)It was all a blur to me as we stumbled back through the forest from the party. She was still holding my hand, it was clammy and shaking as I tried to focus on walking straight as the leaves beneath my feet drifted in swirls along the moonlight path. The crunching beneath our feet sent a shooting sound into my numb mind as confusion mixed with alcohol as I tried to guide us back through the woods. "Shawn, this isn't safe, we should've just called for a ride." She shook out from behind me as I pulled her along. "We are fine, now would you just relax please? We are having a grand time!" I slurred as I tripped over a branch and crumpled into a pile. She quickly knelt beside me and I felt her warm breath ok my cheek as she turned me around. "Shawn I'm serious! You're completely wasted and I have no idea how to get home for here!"I lifted my hand to her cheek and ran my fingers along it slowly. "We are going to alright just believe me?" I was trying to reassure her while trying to see only one of her and trying to make the world stop spinning. She nodded into my hand and took it pulling me to my feet. I stood up and she brushed the leaves off of my back and I took her hand. "You don't have to go you know?" She put her head on my shoulder as we kept walking towards the sound of rushing cars and bright lights. "I don't really have a choice.""There's always an option."I shook my head slowly. "Not this time.""Pickering isn't too far you know.""That's what they said about Toronto. A forty give minute drive when you don't even have a license is quite the drive.""Take the train or subway or something?" She looked up into my eyes and suddenly the world stopped spinning and I lost my breath for a minute. "Don't forget me."I planted a quiet kiss on her forehead as she pulled herself deeper into my embrace. "I won't. I promise."The moon acted as a guide as I clumsily found out way out of the woods and guided her down the cement stairs to the overpass. We walked hand in hand as she tried to keep me from falling tripping over my own feet. "I'll be okay."Her grip tightened as we started the cross over the bridge and into the suburb. "Only if we can keep you awake enough to get over."I shook my head. "No no, I mean when I go back."She stopped walking and leaned against the safety guard railing keeping us from the cars below. "It was only a summer, but it was the best I've ever had. I'm glad I got to share it with you."I wasn't going to give her up easily but I didn't know how to express it so idid what I do best. I tried to rebuild the walls she had successfully torn down. "It's not that big a deal.""Shawn..it kind of is.""No not really I mean I only knew you for like what two months?"Not a good idea to say that to someone who you spent everyday with and to whom you wouldn't admit you loved."So I meant nothing...?""No, that's not what I meant I-""I was just a way to pass the months? You used me?" I could hear a break in her voice. "No that's not what I meant," I reached for her hand. "What I meant to say was is that the distance isn't a big deal. There's always a way." I smiled at her through the darkness that was pawing at our shadows, threatening to strip us of them for the remainder of the night. "I don't believe you." She put on her teasing grin and I smiled tickling her waists making her laugh. How I loved to hear her laugh. "Shawn!" She cried as she swayed and started running away from me to the end of the bridge. She left me stranded in the middle, the red and white lights beneath me all seemed a blur and I struggled to focus on her. She was just a dark blob running from me. Seems everyone likes to do that, just leave me started in the middle uncertain as to turn back or chase the unknown with them. "Get a grip." I mumbled as I stuck my hands to the railing and let myself be guided by it to the other side very very slowly. I felt her cold hands wrap around mine as she guided me down the concrete slope and onto the sidewalk, leaving the flashing lights and honking horns and sirens behind. "You okay?" I nodded as we continued walking towards the neighborhood where I would leave her for the last time. Where I would walk her to her door for the last time. Although she wouldn't admit it was the last, I felt it in my heart she knew as we neared her house. "Well," I shoved my hands in my pocket as we stepped into her dimly lit porch. "Well." She sighed deeply looking at her feet. "I guess this is-""Don't say it." "But-""No!" She was crying now as she turned from me. "I won't say it, you won't either."I reached for her hand and pulled her back towards me. Our eyes lingered across each other's faces until they met. "Okay." I whispered as I took her face in my hands and our lips crashed together like the waves and the shore. They were inseparable. We kissed and I burned within with something I had never felt but I knew I wanted to hold onto that feeling for a long time.Our lips fell from each other's and our breath was hot, hers with only tears, mine with alcohol. "I won't say goodbye." She whispered as her hand left my waist and drifted to the doorknob. "Then don't." I was trying so hard to stay collected but I didn't know how long I could. "Shawn?" I looked up at her. "Your parents..they'll figure it out. I'm sure." I smiled lightly at her optimistic view on my family. They wouldn't I don't think they ever would but we didn't know that then. "I hope so." I let my hand fall from hers as I stepped down the step. I didn't take my eyes from hers though. "Thank you, for everything." She nodded. "I'll see you again Shawn. Wait for me?""Always."And that was it. I backed away from the porch and walked slowly down the driveway until I couldn't hold it in so I started sprinting. I ran all the way home as fast as I could tears threatening to fall as well as me being off balance and drunk as I was. I slowed in the middle of the road as I felt myself falling short if breath. I collapsed onto my knees and let my head fall to my hands as the tears finally overcame me. I was going back to Pickering to face the past, family, friends and life I was deliberately taken away from. He doesn't need to be hurt. He's got enough issues already with his dad..Aaliyah doesn't need this either. Think of the kids. Little did they know this was a harder goodbye than it was a hello. I sat there hunched over for awhile just letting everything I had been holding back, and trying to replace with the alcohol, overtake my senses and rule me over. "I'll wait for you, Tasha, I promise."