Unattainable

Chapter 20 Burdend

SHAWNS POV

We sat on the bench as I ran my fingers through her hair very slowly. Astrid did not stir, she just let her head and body slump against my chest as the quiet lull of the ocean sang a lullaby as seagulls crowed the shoreline.

"Shawn?"

"Yeah?"

"You're not who I thought you were."

I smiled. "I think you told me."

She shook her head slowly. "No, now I'm certain."

I kissed her head and let our hands intertwine in her lap.

"And you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you what I expected?"

"How I am supposed to answer that goof?" She laughed against my chest.

"You can't."

"Exactly."

There was silence and I wasn't entirely certain where I had intended this to lead.

"You're exactly what I expected."

She sat up and nuzzled her nose against mine giving me an Eskimo kiss.

"Is that a good thing?"

She looked into my eyes and they looked into me again.

"Yes. It's a beautiful thing."

She grinned as she kissed my lips one more.

"Do you want to go down on the beach?" She asked standing up.

"Sure but it's kind of cold there cos of the wind and what not." She took my hand as she pulled me closer and started to walk away from the bench.

"I think we will be ok you wimp." She winked at me and I sighed a sigh of defeat.

"Anything for the lady!"

Now we were running back down the pier and onto the board walk. We ran all the way to the sand as it filtered into our shoes and I knew it would dive me crazy. We ran down just to where the water was a flag blanket on the sand as the grey sky's above clouded the lake.

"This is so much better than sitting!" She smiled as she turned to face the lake head on as the wind blew in her hair.

And as the wind blew her hair around her face and she lifted her arms out to welcome the openness, I lost myself entirely and could only concentrate on her. On her ability to do that, to welcome uncertain things and her ability to welcome me; the most uncertain thing of all. I didn't deserve any of the affection she was giving me partly because I wasn't sure how long I could return it for.

But she must never know.

"Shawn?" I snapped out of my daze as I felt her squeeze my hand. I stiffened.

"Sorry I was um.."

"It's okay, just wanted to make sure you were still here." She smiled as I fired a a smile on my lips.

For now.

"So," I squeezed her hand and guided her to walk along the shore line with me and my soaked sneakers. "What would the lady wish to do with the rest of this Saturday?"

"Well as much as I would like to spend it romping around with no destination in mind, we have a project that we should get somewhat finished."

I groaned. "When is it due?"

"Wednesday I think."

"Well we have time, how about some food or something?"

"Or," she stopped me. "We could go back to your place spend a good three hours doing the project and then go out for supper?"

"Or we could just get together somewhere tomorrow and spend today doing nothing." I couldn't go back home.

"Shawn, this is a big project and I want a relatively good mark."

"So do I, but c'mon procrastinating is my thing." I tried to put on the lazy act wen in reality it was a desperate act to not go home.

"Shawn," she was getting annoyed now I could tell. "We HAVE to do this."

"No not today we don't." I was starting to feel nervous.

"Shawn we-"

"Astrid! No just no we aren't doing it at my house today okay?!" I had raised my voice at her out of anger at someone else.

She stared at me blank faced and her mouth hung open just slightly. I though I saw tears clouding her eyes.

"Astrid, I didn't meant to yell I.."

"Its fine, just I wish you would tell me what is going on?"

I looked at the ground. "I want to I really do," I felt my arm for the mark he had left. "But it's complicated."

She took a deep breath and squeezed my hand again. "I understand. But wen you're ready.."

"You're there." I looked back at her. "I know, thank you."

We didn't say another word as we walked in silence down the shore, until we could see the sky scrapers and CN tower looming through the clouds down the beach.

"We should go back," I said as I turned around. "We don't want to have to get the GO all the way back?"

She nodded and numbingly turned and followed me as I started back.

"Astrid?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to do that."

"It's fine I already told you."

"I know, but you didn't deserve it. It came from somewhere-"

"Save your breath, Shawn." She spoke from beside me as the wind varied ER voice to my ears. "You're wasting it."

I was silent for a moment and my feet lagged.

"I didn't mean it like that I'm sorry-" she pleaded.

"It's okay, I understand what you meant."

She leaned in and quickly kissed my cheek and all was forgiven.

"My feet are killing me." She groaned as we walked.

I stopped us and turned her so that she was behind me and I crouched slightly.

"I'll give you a piggy-back back. Just hop on."

"Are you sure you can carry my all the way back." She challenged me teasingly

"And I can do much more challenging things when we get back, missy, so hop on." I couldn't help but flirt back.

"Well then," she put her hands on my shoulders and pulled her body up onto my back and I grasped her legs through my arms. "Let's go!"

We laughed as I started walking with her, trying to balance us with my feet half in the water and half on the shore.

This was one burden I was willing to carry whole heartedly.

Only, she was the opposite of a burden: That was my role.