Unattainable

Chapter 22 Absent

SHAWNS POV (again)

THE FLASHBACK IS OVER

"Shawn, are you okay?"

I snapped out of my daze as I realized I had been staring at the blank sheet of

paper in my lap for several minutes.

What had just happened?

"I'm fine yeah sorry I just kind of zoned out there."

I tried to brush all of the incredibly confusing emotions that were flooding my senses with thoughts on our projects.

"If you're sure." Astrid replied as she crossed her legs on her bed and continued to write.

We had been at Astrid's house for about an hour now. We had walked back from the beach and decided to pick up our project and get some of it done. We had walked in a silence to her house until she remembered that her mom had failed to mention her grandparents were still here.

"They're going to drill you with questions!" She had protested as she tried to convince me not go inside.

"If I can handle you," I had out my hands on her waist an pushed my lips to her cheek. "I'm sure I can handle them."

Only, when we had gone inside no one was home, they had left when we were out and she seemed a little too relived.

"Thank god." She had guided me upstairs as we left our sand dusted shoes at the bottom of the stairs.

"Don't like them?"

"It's complicated."

I had followed her to her room and she was determined to get down to buisness-not the kind I had in mind-and now here we sat. Maybe only in body because it seemed that my mind was somewhere else.

With someone else.

"Shawn?" Astrid now sat up and pushed the note book out of her lap.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you a question? I mean you you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

What harm could a question do?

"Sure."

"Okay well um..why are you..I mean if you are..afraid of me?"

Apparently they can do much harm.

I took the pen tip out of my mouth, thought a moment, then looked her dead on in the eye.

"I'm not afraid of you, Astrid. I'm not even sure why you think that?"

She was quiet a moment and her thinking freckles aligned.

"Well, then why do I feel like you're kind of.."

"Closed off?"

"Well yeah I guess so."

How am I supposed to answer this. I leaned back against her bed frame and ran my hands through my hair.

"It's stressing you out," she took her notes back and shook her head. "It's okay."

I laughed. "How did you know?"

Her smile returned as did a blush to we cheeks. "You always run your hands through your hair if you're stressed."

"Grand observation, dear, but no I'm not stressed."

Just trying to think of an answer.

"Well then what is it?"

"I am...just trying to answer this question." I quickly pointed to the paper in my lap with the assignment outline.

I watched her face fall as I deliberately changed the topic. I didn't want to lie to her, but the truth would hurt more than a masked answer that wasn't entirely true.

I couldn't hurt her. I had a bad track record for hurting the people I cared about.

Astrid was my second chance. My chance to make it right and make it last.

Make it real.

Only I felt there was something I wasn't bringing to this attempt at a new relationship.

Your heart.

The most unattainable object of mine.

That was locked up and away from harm. That, or it was saved for someone and I couldn't bring myself to admit it might not be Astrid.

But I wanted it to be her, I really did. Unfortunately, we have little to no control over who captures our heart an takes it for their own.

It's not locked up, you just don't have it. She does.

"Let me see." She brought me back again as she looked at my paper.

"Just explain why teenagers are misunderstood and who lost by."

We had chosen to do our project on how we beloved that teenagers are the most misjudged people in society.

I couldn't agree more.

"Okay, I can do that." I took the pen back to the page and began writing empty thoughts. Like I had said, my mind wasn't here.

Another half hour of silent work passed and we moved about the room, stretched out on the floor, propped against the bed, and in the chair in the corner, but I couldn't get comfortable.

I tried desperately to concentrate only work but I would either get distracted by Astrid's parted lips, or by my wandering thoughts that seemed to roam down the highway to Toronto.

To the bridge.

"I think that's enough for today don't you think?" I needed to get out of here so I interrupted myself.

"Uh, yeah I think that's good. Just have to type the conclusion paragraph and we are done.

"Sounds good, do you want to go get something to eat?" I asked standing and stretching.

Astrid stood and nodded.

"Sure just let me change and I can give you your sweater back-" she started to take it off and as much as I wanted it off her, I interrupted.

"No no, keep it." I smiled as I watched her face light up slowly.

"You sure?"

"Of course." I nodded as she pulled it back down over her head.

"If you're sure." She stacked her notebooks on her bed and shut off her laptop.

"Where to, Mendes?" She started for her door and I followed her down the stairs.

"Not sure yet." I slipped my shoes back on and steadied her as she pulled her boots back on, wobbling beside me.

"Well I guess we will find it when we get there." She opened the door and we stepped out into the crisp evening air.

We stated back down the street and I felt myself wanting to take her hand. So I did.

I felt her stiffen.

"I told you," I squeezed it reassuringly, "I'm not scared of you."

She looked at me in the faint light of dusk.

"I know."

I paused as we turned the corner.

It's me I'm afraid of.