Unattainable

Chapter 18 Edges

We were silent for a moment, just us sitting on the edge of what appeared to be death. There it was, staring at us in forms of cars whizzing beneath us.

I pulled away from him so I could face him, and my foot dragged a stone from my boots and it fell over the edge. For a moment the quietness engulfed us fully and the only thing to be heard was the pun ding of our hearts in unison with the small sound of the gravel falling beside the cars.

That would've been us, had Shawn not stopped us.

How did he know where not to jump just so he could land but feel like he was falling? More importantly, WHY did he know?

"I-" he finally spoke, "Astrid, of course I want you to hold on, I just I'm not sure you want to."

I sighed deeply. "This isn't just a literal issue about holding hands, is it?"

He leaned back and his head looked up, his rosy cheeks contrasting the grey cement. "No."

I felt my self reaching out to him as I slipped my hand into his lap and placed the other on his chin.

"Look, I'm not letting go. I'm holding on." He didn't look like he believed me. "Can't you see that I'm telling the truth, Shawn?"

He looked back down at me and his caramel eyes were flooded with tears and his smiled threatened to break. He was falling apart in front of me, and it apprehended there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"I don't know what trust is, Astrid. I don't believe in it and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you like the me I let you meet at school, at the party, in the bed. That's not me. I don't know what it's like to live in a moment of undeniable happiness because I'm not sure what contentment feels like. I'm broken and nothing can fix that." He cupped my face as his voice broke and he let a year fall and run between our cheeks.

"I can't ask you to care about a burden."

With those words I felt myself lose it. I couldn't hold back the sobs he made me want to cry from the moment we landed on the bridge. And I cried in his arms right there with the cars passing by and he fell apart on my shoulder.

"Shawn," I struggled to form words and thoughts as I was oblivious to what was happening. "You're not a burden I can help you!"

He shook his head desperately as he tried to regain a steady breathing pattern.

"No! You don't know what you're taking on!" He cried as I held his hands on my face.

"Yes, yes I do! And I know that you can't make anything worse only better, so please; know that I want to hold on. I want to, more than anything."

He pulled me back into his arms and we shook slowly together until we were able to rock slowly, back and forth, above the wind the world the wayward ways that awaited above and below. We just at there, uncertain of the moments to be held on the other side of the bridge and we were unattainable to the world when we were together. It couldn't touch us.

"Shawn," I shifted again to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry I let go."

He smiled as he kissed my forehead. "I'm sorry I nearly got us killed."

We smiled at that as he squeezed his hand.

"You know," he sat up straighter and I knew he was feeling a little better. "It's usually supposed to be the guy who's comforting the girl eh?"

I smiled at the thought. "Well, if it makes you feel more manly, you can comfort me whenever you see a frown on my face. Even if it's nothing, you can pretend it's something."

"Deal," he nuzzled his nose face into my hair as I felt him draw me closer. "Why not you tell me about you though seeing as we've wasted enough time on me and you never did talk about yourself last night on the rooftop?"

He had honestly wanted to eat about me then. "Time spent on you is time well spent. And like I said, there's not much to hear."

"Oh I highly doubt that. You've always fascinated me simply because you seem like a walking mystery."

I laughed allowed in his arms. "Well I hate to disappoint, Mendes but I'm the black sheep of my family."

He looked at me quizzically.

"What I mean is, they're all incredibly outgoing people and I'm reserved."

"I prefer the term classy." He teased.

"I am FAR from classy my friend. Anyhow that's about it. I'm Astrid Livingstone, I like getting patented with you for projects and I almost died today." I winked at him and he smiled back.

"Well if you're not up for talking then what do you say about walking? We can head out for lunch or back somewhere, but let's get out of here yeah?" He stood slowly and helped me press up against the cement wall.

"Sounds wonderful," he boosted me up and we popped up back on the boulevard. "And shawn?"

He dusted of his pants beside me as we stood on the strip of grass. "Yeah?"

"Let's not come back here again, ever?"

He nodded slowly. "Okay, we won't. I'm sorry."

"It's okay don't worry about it."

He'll be back you foolish girl. What makes you think you can help?

And we started to run.