Desire

chapter twenty

I'd shown Harry to the guest bedroom in which he will be 'sleeping'. It was practically known as Niall's room because he slept here so much that room basically became his.

I gave Harry a brief upstairs tour; though the house was big there wasn't much to show.

As Harry and I walked back down the stairs I heard the all too familiar stubborn voice of my father. He and my mum seem to be bickering about something. It's interesting to see nothing at all has changed in this house.

My whole life I wondered if my parents were really in love. Most people know about how their parents met, about their wedding day they would share general relationship memories, showing affection with each other. My folks did none of the above, I saw no such things. They have never mentioned anything about when or where they met., stories about their wedding day, nothing.

It puts things in perspective for my life. There is the constant fear that because I have never truly seen love that I can't actually feel it or I won't know what it's like when it comes around. I have never been able to quite grasp it in the past; perhaps I can't because my parents have already sought to see that I won't ever feel love.

The worry of it all is frightening, what else is there to life?

"Eva my beautiful girl. It's lovely to see you."

I hug my father.

"Hi dad, it's good to see you."

Every time I visit here the same things always happen, in an array of events. All will go well within the first day of the trip. My mother and father will be nice to me, the day will be filled with loving embraces, everyone engaging in interesting conversations, my parents being curious or pretending to be interested in my glorious life and this happens up until the situation of the returned daughter gets too comfortable than my parents feel it is okay to return things to the form they were when I was a teenager, so I am left getting yelled at, judged for what I am eating, wearing, saying. My parents became un reasonable and intolerable, generally annoying to be around.

Hopefully with Harry here it won't happen but there are certainly no guarantees.

"How are you my dear?"

"I'm great dad, really great. How have you been?" I hated making small talk, especially with my father who I knew nothing about, not that he knew anything about me either.

Excitedly he answers "I've been great also!" Sheesh someone had one to many coffees this morning.

I notice Harry standing awkwardly behind me and I am kind of over the attention being on me. "Dad this is Harry." My father's giddy mood disappears completely. They firmly shake hands.

"It's nice to meet you Harry."

"You too Mr Elson."

My father stays silent. Isn't this the part in the movies where the dads like oh no please call me John. My dad however did none of the sorts he just stood there. That's rude, to him Harry is a good friend of mine just like Niall is and Niall is allowed to call my dad John so why can't Harry. He doesn't need to know that Harry is actually my boyfriend.

I can already see the dramatized situation that will be if my parents do indeed find about just how friendly me and Harry are.

My mother will probably have a stroke and or cry because I didn't tell her. Then she will proceed to insist that she does everything for me and that she deserves at least to know a detail like that. Sure mother because smothering me with expensive birthday presents is enough to make up for your love. She doesn't seem to understand that all I want from her, my mother is some loving. She brought me into this world and it has always seemed to me she didn't care. She used me as a trophy to show off to her friends. But when things truly mattered she was know where to be found, she didn't have a comment to make.