Desire

chapter twenty-eight

All the walls of my life that I had spent year trying to form always crashed and fell down eventually. From young my walls were high, I was quiet, smart somewhat sheltered but I liked it like that. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I'd like to think it was those walls that got me into how I am today, obviously not in the bad ways but in the good ways. My schooling, I've always done well except for a short period a few years ago...

Every year my scores would improve and soon all of that will come to an end. I've been so used to school, it was my daily routine and had been for years.

Those walls first got burned to the ground back when I started Uni. I let my guard down way too much.

My object for Uni, was obviously do well, that was always my main moral. However the other big one that I let seep through too much was the need to let loose and have some fun.

We all know how that turned out and what it did to me.

I lost my ability to have fun without the meddling of substance and I forgot how to associate with people without being treated like shit.

I built my walls again the day I left it all. The day I regained something I still don't know what it is but it changed me forever. These walls however are the reason I find it so hard to trust, so hard to get to into something because I'll always expect the very worst to come of it. I tended to be right.

Why else would I be in this position right now.

These walls, built or destroyed didn't matter. They might have helped me when I was young but I see now what I didn't then. Things cannot be sheltered from you, living through it is the only way it'll be okay.

That's what I had to do. I would leave my walls once and for all and live freely.

_

I reacted poorly, I know that now. If someone had told me that when I ran I would have fell down three flights of stairs I probably maybe, wouldn't have even done something so stupid.

But in that moment that was my initial reaction. To get away, I had felt like I couldn't breathe and I needed to breathe so badly. I needed to get away from him. I trusted him will everything that I had. He knew how that subject was touchy for me and it took him months to even say anything but if I hadn't been approached about it and freaked out would he have said something to me on his own intent. Most likely not.

I lay down in this hideous, stereotypical hospital dress. I feel like I'm sweating even though the fabric of the dress is extremely thin. I feel like I've been wrapped in a thousand blankets, not to mention how tightly I've been tucked in. These nurses are crazy.

I lay awake facing the darkness of the ceiling above me. I felt at ease for some reason. It hurt to think about how much everything hurt.

I hated the smell of hospitals, I really did.

Where would I go from here? I don't know.

The little hospital room is silent, it's quite dark and the clock on the wall opposite me tells me it's very early in the morning. The sun is yet to make an appearance and light up the sad and gloomy room.

Harry is in a chair beside the bed I lay in, his head only just resting on the bed next to my legs. He sleeps somewhat peacefully, the imminent look of furrow is there in the shape of his eyebrows and forehead.

I still didn't know for sure how I felt about anything he had said to me before I ran away like a mental case, landing me in a hospital.

He lied, after everything I told him about myself. About my past, how much I hated it, how dare he never bring it up to me! You meet someone before you actually think you meet them only for you to never know about it. He could've and should've told me sooner, I'm positive I would not have been as hurt if he had.