Breaking Slowly // h.s. au

Chapter Thirty One

Chapter Thirty One

*Elsie*

Songs-

Beside You- Phidel

All of the Stars- Ed Sheeran

Eberdeen- Cage The Elephant

I'd like to say that life is easy.

I'd like to say that I was succeeding with handling it.

I'd like to say that I'm not as weak as I seem.

But life is hard, and I am slowly breaking, and I am weak...

I'd like to say that I was in love with who I was.

But I'm not.

I was told when I was little that everything has a purpose in this world. I forget whether it was a psychotic elementary school teacher, or even my mom, I remember someone telling me to keep my head up because everything has a purpose in this world. I loved that. I thought that maybe, just maybe, despite what all those kids were saying that I did belong.

But what happens when kids grow up?

Life gets shoved in their faces. Their crushes, crush them, then they finally realize what every book, movie, and song was talking about. Their parents starting to become real people to them, where they fuck up, where they tear everything apart. Their schools become demanding. Their teachers become manipulative. Their siblings leave. Their friends flake.

Life is life. Kids grow up.

But if you told me when I was still in mismatched skirts and pigtails that I would be sitting on a dirty bathroom floor with self- inflicted wounds marking my skin, I would have laughed- because who intentionally causes themselves pain...?

When you're little, a scratch is the end of the world. So if you were to tell me then- that I would be doing... this. I wouldn't have believed you. But who sees the end coming right?

Today was great in some people's eyes, I stayed with Harry and we watched movies like we always do and we talked about- everything. But to me it was just another moment where I was pretending to be there. I was pretending that I wasn't dead inside. I was telling myself that I could be happy, with Harry.

I am happy with him. I love him. I need him. No matter what he does- I'll always need him.

But then I realize that that's exactly what I hate about myself. That I need someone who causes this much pain. Because I know that if he was ever to start hating me as much as the world does that that would stop my heart all together.

I hate it.

I hate myself for it.

But what do I hate even more? The fact that I want him to hate me. Violet too. Even Jen and Mara. It would make it so much easier to leave it all behind.

I am dead inside.

I don't know how many different ways I can say it. I am dead inside.

The tiles are cold under my thighs. My monstrous thighs. Goose bumps grace my skin and raise the stubble that I was too lazy to shave. My feet look sickly pale and the black polish painted on my nails is chipping.

I stand from my slumped position and toss the blood laced bandages into the trash. The new cuts are on my hips. I had no more room on my arms. That's how bad it's gotten.