Noyade | Rabastan Lestrange [2] ✔︎

13 | ALL OR NOTHING

Phoenix wondered how she couldn't have noticed Elle before. Often she sat only a few seats away from her on the Slytherin table with a bright smile making the dark times seem less unpromising. She tried to remember how it felt to be as innocent and expectant of a bright future as the blonde girl seemed to be. Whenever she heard snippets of their conversations she couldn't help but smile, realising how the two of them weren't actually all that different. Somehow the little girl's smile ignited hope in her heart, hope that she could make a difference for innocent people like her.

"I thought you didn't want to join our meetings. What's different now?" Regulus asked, glancing in both directions down the hallway before fixing his grey eyes on his sister, who stood in front of him with her arms crossed.

"I never said that I didn't want to attend them, you simply assumed it, but I want to know what's going on."

"But why?"

"Everybody tells me that I have the power to make a difference. In order to do that, however, I can't do things only halfway. Either I put my necklace back on and give up or I do everything all of you do too," Phoenix explained.

Regulus rose an eyebrow. "Still, I'm not really fond of the idea."

"It's not your decision, is it?" Phoenix huffed, annoyed by how he seemed to think that he was in the position to make her choices for her.

"No, it's not, but I amallowed to offer you my advice."

Somehow every single word he said made her annoyance increase a little more. She narrowed her eyes at his superior tone. "You don't have more experience in life than I have, Regulus. Just because you're two minutes older, you're not any wiser."

"The age difference doesn't give me a bigger amount of knowledge, but the fact that I always protected you does," Regulus snapped, raising his voice slightly. "Sirius and I kept you a safe distance away from any kind of trouble, while we dealt with it for you. You lived in that bubble where everybody had at least something good deep down in their hearts, but we didn't. We've known reality for much longer than you did. You are still too blind to even tell who to trust and who not to trust. Therefore, I'm definitely entitled to give you advice."

Phoenix glared at him and countered, "I never asked you to do any of that. I'm old enough to deal with any of my problems on my own."

"You know nothing." Regulus took a step closer, glaring down at her. "I joined himso you wouldn't have to. I sacrificed everything to give you the opportunity to make your own choices and get out of this mess. However, you had to be a damn hypocrite. Screaming at me for doing something to protect you and then doing the same thing a few months later without any good reason forcing you to do it. There's no way out of it now, Phoenix. Do you understand? The only thing you can do is stay away from all of it for as long as possible. I'm not ready to let you give up your innocence and run into your doom."

"You're being ridiculous. You know what? I'll find another way to join your meetings, whether you like it or not," Phoenix spat and turned around to storm off.

"So, you're just going to run away?" she heard Regulus yell behind her. "That's your problem. You always run away from the things you don't like."

★

Blood slowly turned the white bandages, which Phoenix had put around her knuckles and hands for protection, pink, but she didn't care. She just kept smashing her fists into the punching bag hanging from the ceiling. She had never believed it, but punching something was actually not the worst way to deal with anger.

You know nothing.

Regulus' words kept repeating in her head and the feeling of helplessness seemed to flood her veins.

You're a hypocrite.

She hit the punching bag again and again, breathing heavily. It seemed like he was right, but he wasn't. She hadn't joined the Dark Lord because she felt like it. In fact, she wanted to protect everybody around her, just like he alleged having wanted to protect her. However, she could never tell him about Bellatrix' threats to hurt her friends and brothers. It had laid the foundation for her to doubt her family's convictions and knowing how he believed in them, she just couldn't do that to him. Once one received information, they couldn't give it back.

The sound of the opening door didn't make her stop her assault on the object in front of her, if anything it just made her punch it harder. Jack was good at leaving her alone when she wanted to be alone, even if it was in his own office, which had turned into a gym over the months.

To her surprise she heard Rabastan's voice instead of Jack's silence. "I hope you're not picturing my face on that punching bag."

"I might as well be," Phoenix huffed glancing in his direction to see him leaning casually against the heavy wooden desk. She really wanted to hate him because then she could stay away from him more easily. She hit the bag again, but it didn't even sway back. "What are you even doing here?"

"I wanted to talk to Jack, but watching you as you try to look like a warrior is just too entertaining." Rabastan's voice sounded like he thought he was above her and Phoenix couldn't help but roll her eyes. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and glared at him before demanding in an annoyed manner, "If you're so experienced, why don't you show me how to do it properly?"

"As you wish," he answered dismissively and peeled off his jacket before walking over to her.

Phoenix hadn't expected him to agree and suddenly felt uncomfortable as he stood closely behind her. She almost expected to feel his breath against her ear, but instead he turned her torso in the right angle towards the punching bag. He used his foot to pull her right leg backwards and tapped her elbows to make her lift her arms in front of her body. She followed his instructions, trying to slow down her breathing, as she didn't want him to know how the physical exercise actually exhausted her. It was childish really, but she couldn't shake the wish to look strong and unaffected by anything, just the way he pretended to be at most times. She finally understood how it made him feel better when people believed he was that way.

"Use your elbows, your knees and your whole body weight. You're not physically strong enough to achieve anything by only using your fists."

Phoenix didn't miss the emphasis on the words 'physically'. Maybe she read too much into it, as she saw it as an indication that he didn't see her as weak in general. Most likely it was nothing but wishful thinking, considering that his words sounded just as dismissive and above her as the other sentences before them, but the small detail almost made her smile.

"How would you know?" she asked, nevertheless, but sounding less annoyed by him than beforehand.

Rabastan stepped behind the punching bag, held onto it and gave her his signature arrogant smirk. "I just so happen to know a lot."

His facial expression and the way he talked to her seemed so wrong after she had witnessed that there was another side to him. It looked like a mask that wouldn't quite fit, but still she couldn't see underneath it.

Not like she used to.

Rabastan made a gesture with his hand. "Feel free to try."

"Why are Slytherin boys so demanding?" she murmured, referring to her brother as well.

Still, Phoenix took a deep breath and punched the bag of sand again and again. After all, trying couldn't hurt.