Noyade | Rabastan Lestrange [2] ✔︎

43 | FIGHT

Even as a small girl Phoenix hadn't done well with people she loved getting hurt. Sirius had once told her how she had cried when he had scraped his knee on the pavement in front of Grimmauld Place. It hadn't even hurt that much, but she had obviously believed that he was in pain and cried while he tried to console her, although he was the wounded one.

Stepping into Rabastan's room after he had tried to commit suicide, however, was an entirely different story.

Phoenix tried to close the door behind her as silently as she could. Swallowing, she hesitantly let her eyes fall on Rabastan who lay in a bed on the left side of the room. His eyes were closed and his skin was almost as white as his hair and the bandages on both of his forearms. She stumbled back when she saw the straps holding his arms and feet in place, reminded of Jack's withdrawal back in February. Like with her former fiancé it was obviously for his own safety, as it made sure that he wouldn't be able to open up his cuts again, but he looked like a prisoner of sorts.

With her hands still shaking, Phoenix went to sit on a chair next to his bed. He didn't react in any way to indicate that he noticed her being there but she was more than content with the sight of seeing his chest rise and fall. He was alive.

It startled her when she finally heard his hoarse voice. "It's fine if you hate me."

That was the last drop she needed for the tears to fall. It had almost been twenty-four hours since they had found him in the boys' bathroom on the sixth floor. She was tired, confused and felt more helpless than ever. There was no way she could hold the tears back any longer.

"You don't get to do this. You don't get to scare me this way and then be the kind one again," she told him, sobbing. "I thought I had lost you, Rabastan. Can you imagine how that felt? I saw the life go out of you and I couldn't do anything to help you. Have you ever thought about how everyone else would feel when you were gone – how I would feel?"

Silence filled the room for a few moments before Rabastan admitted in a mere whisper, "I just need the pain to be gone. I can't bear it any longer."

A tear slipped from his closed eyes and Phoenix had to look away. She couldn't find the strength to see him like this. He still didn't want to live.

"I know. But we can fix this. You're not alone. In front of this door, people are waiting to see you open your eyes. They want you to live and they would do anything to help you get back to happiness – and so would I. Please, there are people-" She couldn't finish what she was trying to tell him, as he interrupted her.

"I don't need to be fixed. Do you know what my mother whispered in my ear when she was pretending to kiss my cheek? She told me that she wished I had succeeded. There's too much wrong with me, love. It's not worth it. I'm not worth it."

A sob escaped Phoenix' mouth. "Your mother is a monster but you still don't get to decide if you're worth it." She placed a hand on his shoulder and immediately pulled it back. "I want you to bloody fight, Rabastan - and Jack would have wanted that too.

Rabastan's face turned into a grimace of grief. His body tensed and he turned his head slightly. "I don't know how to do it without him. He was the only one who knew how to push the darkness back."

"I'll be there to help you. I promise," Phoenix offered, but Rabastan only huffed at that.

"I'm sorry but I don't think you have the expertise to control a partially demonic personality."

Phoenix stared at him with her eyes widened. "What are you talking about?"

"I thought after all those clues I left here and there you would have figured it out by now. I'm like you, love. I'm a Nephilim and that's why we can never be together, not just because of Jack. While you were chosen by an angel to carry a part of his grace, my mother fed me demon blood in an attempt to kill me as an infant, but apparently some angel wouldn't allow me to be spared of all this pain and gave me a slice of his grace to keep the demonic side of me in check. Nonetheless, it is still there and I don't know how to keep it quiet," Rabastan explained.

His voice was getting weaker and weaker with every word. It was obvious that his strength was fading. It was a miracle that he was awake at all but even he wouldn't be able to fight the abyss forever. But she had to change his mind on his fate.

"That only proves that you're stronger than every single one of us. All your life you've been fighting this demonic side of yours-"

"But I don't think I can do it any longer. It has taken too much. There's only this emptiness left and the longing for something I can't have. All my life I will be a burden to others because I can't control it and I will be drawn to you because that's what happens to Nephilim. They fall in love just once but two people with an angel's grace aren't meant to be together. It's forbidden and even we can't overcome that. So tell me, what's left to fight for? Friends I will keep hurting without meaning to do so and this pain? I don't think I can do this."

"I don't care what the angels say. This is our life and we should decide what to do with it. Not our parents and not an angel or authority. They don't have to live with our decisions but we do. And I decide to help you through this. Because you're not alone, Rabastan. Your brother was furious when he heard what you've done. He wants you to live with him rather than your parents and believe me, he nearly hit your father when he acted like he didn't care about your feelings. Your brother loves you and so does Reg and Maureen and Damian."

Rabastan didn't answer but she saw another tear roll down his cheek.

"If you don't fight for yourself, please fight for them. Fight for me."