Noyade | Rabastan Lestrange [2] ✔︎

25 | CHANGED

It dawned on Phoenix how much of a change half a year could mean to people's relationships as she sat on the small kitchen table in Sirius, James and Dawn's flat. It had never even occurred to her that she might one day feel uncomfortable in the presence of people that she had once considered family – that she secretly still considered family. But as she sat there facing her brother on the chair on the other side of the table and her best friend, who leaned against the counter, she couldn't shake the feeling of uneasiness. She didn't know what topics to talk about and how to behave. It all seemed too unfamiliar.

"Don't you want to take off your cloak?" Sirius asked, a grin playing around the corners of his mouth. "I'm wearing a tee and I'm still feeling hot."

It was about the fifth time one of them urged her to take off her cloak, but Phoenix had always resisted the wish to do so, unwilling to expose her forearm. She feared their reaction to the mark. Still, she wouldn't be able to hide it forever.

She sighed and carefully slipped it off of her shoulders and placed it on the chair next to her, careful not to show her dark mark. What if they reported her to the ministry? She shook the thought off as soon as it came. They weren't ones to do something like that to a friend. Not Dawn and Sirius.

However, when she grabbed the hot cup of tea that Dawn handed her, she almost felt her brother's gaze linger on her arm. Awkwardly she took a sip of the hot liquid and nearly burned her tongue before placing it on the table, warming her hands on it.

"I knew you'd agree someday. I just didn't think that day would come so soon," Sirius remarked, a sad note lacing his voice.

Phoenix looked at him and was faced with a saddened look in his grey eyes. "I guess I wasn't as strong as you thought. I didn't mean to disappoint you."

"You couldn't even disappoint me, if you actively tried. Princess, you're different than all of them." He grimaced at the thought of their family. "It's not in you to become what our parents want you to be."

"I'm not so sure about that. It was my idea to join the dark... him after all. They never pressured me into it," Phoenix admitted. And she had lost so much due to that decision.

Sirius glanced towards Dawn, who watched the two of them carefully. Seeing them together like this – even if the topic was rather heavy – made Phoenix heart jump with joy. It was obvious how well the two of them fit together. They had found at least a little piece of happiness in those dark times.

"Do you regret it?" Dawn asked after a brief silence.

The question startled Phoenix despite it only being what she had been thinking about for a while. Still she hadn't found her answer. The only thing she knew was that she wasn't happy with the current situation. Hesitantly, she shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. It got me quite a lot of recognition, but I lost so much due to my decision." She offered both of them a sad smile. "You two being a big part of it."

"You know the offer of me being your knight in shining armour to get you out of that prison still stands," Sirius told her with a smile.

Dawn giggled. "I bet he'd even duel your mother, if it came to it."

"I'd pay good money to witness that," Phoenix laughed, for a moment relieved of her worries.

Sirius frowned at the two girls. "You two would like to see me getting beaten to crap? Well, thanks a lot."

"At least he – for once – admits his boundaries."

Sirius shot his girlfriend a pointed look, grabbed her by her arm and pulled her towards him. He asked sarcastically, "Why am I in love with you again?"

"Because I'm just awesome, badass and beautiful?" Dawn offered with a grin and pecked his lips.

Phoenix watched the two of them with a smile on her lips. If only she could have something like they had. But maybe if she fought for it, she could after all.

"May I ask you something?" she finally asked, gathering all of her bravery.

"Sure," Dawn said, just as Sirius answered, "Anything you want. Well, basically anything."

There was no going back now.

"Just theoretically. How do I know if it's worth hurting somebody else to be with someone? How can I be sure that I truly feel enough for that one person?"

She lowered her eyes to her mug, her cheeks burning red. Somehow it was difficult to talk about her feelings and fears although she had read so much about it already. One would have thought following all of those characters' journeys would make her an expert, but obviously she still knew nothing.

To her surprise it was Sirius who answered with a shrug. "Honestly? You might never now. There's no threshold that love must reach for it to be worth it."

It was one of the sincerest things Phoenix had ever heard her brother say. He had always made their mother furious by joking about basically everything, but somehow it had simply made him all the more likable in Phoenix' eyes. She had enjoyed the light-hearted feeling she would get around him, but now she realised that it was just as nice to have a serious conversation with him.

"Do you love him?" Dawn added, softly running her fingers through Sirius' dark curls.

"Who?"

Dawn chuckled. "Rabastan, of course."

Phoenix had expected Sirius to make at least one comment about Rabastan, as he had never liked him when he was back in school, but he simply gave her a questioning look.

She blushed and answered. "Honestly, I don't think I know what love feels like."

"Do you feel all warm and fuzzy inside when he is around you?" Sirius asked with a mocking voice, which brought him a slap against the back of his head from Dawn, but he still continued the same way. "Do you miss him whenever he's away? Is it difficult for you to see him unwell or in pain? Do you think about him in every spare second?"

"You're awful at this," Dawn pointed out. "What your brother most likely wanted to say is that love feels differently for everybody. Not that I'm an expert, but love isn't like a potion where you have certain ingredients and instructions, which result in that potion. I guess some day you'll just realise whether you love him or not."

"But what I know is that love will always find a way if it's meant to be. Blah blah," Sirius added, mockingly annoyed by the topic. "How did I ever get over the impression that girls are boring and delusional?"

"Now you're walking on thin ice," Phoenix giggled while Dawn agreed with a nod. "I think we should lock him out and have the flat to ourselves."

Phoenix' smile faded. "Unfortunately I'll have to get back. Mother might already be having a fit."

"Can't you just stay for a few more minutes?" Dawn begged.

Her best friend shook her head, however, and got to her feet. "No, I'd better go, but I'm sure we'll meet again. Thanks for the advice and the tea, though."

Sirius rose to his feet as well, as Dawn hugged Phoenix tightly, this time without the weapons. "Anytime."

Her brother accompanied her to the door, where he looked back at Dawn in a manner that seemed like he wanted to make sure that she wasn't listening in on their conversation.

He leaned down closer as he opened the door, keeping it half opened for a few seconds. "Just so you know, we'd never hate you for your decision to become one of his death eaters – even if it makes it official that you hate people like us. Maybe you think you're being weak but you're doing what neither one of us were ever brave enough to do."

Phoenix looked up at him with her eyebrows raised slightly. It was so unlike Sirius to talk like that. Since he'd been sorted to Gryffindor all she could remember was him arguing against pureblood superiority, and now he was supporting her decision? She couldn't make sense of his behaviour.

"But be careful who you put your trust in. You might find dishonesty in people closer to your heart than you might expect."