Noyade | Rabastan Lestrange [2] ✔︎

53 | WIDE AWAKE

Somehow Phoenix had always found waking up at night quite charming. She had often ventured to the kitchen at Grimmauld Place to grab a glass of water and had sat down in front of the large windows in her room, just looking up at the sky. Often times she had woken up lying on the floor with her body hurting, but nonetheless she had liked the quiet beauty of the night.

Being awake because her thoughts were too loud to let her sleep wasn't too comfortable, however, especially if she wasn't at home and couldn't ask Kreacher to make her some tea to help her sleep. Of course, she could have asked Winnie to get her something and she didn't feel like that much of an intruder anymore after having lived in hiding at the Lestrange manor for more than two months. Still, lying awake at somebody else's house was different than at home.

After tossing and turning for at least an hour, Phoenix decided to get up and find the kitchen. The floor was cold under her feet as she entered the dark room which was only lit by her wand. Careful not to make any sound, she opened one of the cupboards, retrieved a glass and filled it with water. Leaning against one of the counters, she took a sip. She felt the water make its way down her throat and a sense of calm swept through her. Sighing, she shook her head. What was she doing having fun at the cliffs while Death Eaters were trying to find her brother, her blood, and kill him?

Her mind went back to the camera Rabastan had got her. She should have bought one earlier. Then she could have captured the moments when everything had still been easy and keep them forever.

Eventually, Phoenix went back up towards her room, taking a glass of water with her. Her room lay towards the end of the long corridor and on her way towards it she passed both the master bedroom, where Rodolphus and Bellatrix slept, and Rabastan's. She had already passed the latter when she heard a crash, like something made out of glass had fallen to the floor and shattered. Without a second thought, she walked back and knocked on the door. There was no answer, so she tried again and when he still didn't answer she slowly opened the door.

The room was only illuminated by the faint light of the moon shining through the window opposite the door. There was nothing unusual about the room and Phoenix was already about to close the door again when she noticed Rabastan's white hair shining in the moonlight. He was sitting next to the bed, looking out through the window.

Cautiously she opened the door wider, which caused it to creak. Phoenix flinched and she saw Rabastan turning his head slightly.

"Go away," he said. His voice sounded neither cold nor warm but rather hoarse and somewhat empty. Had he been crying? She didn't know if he expected her to be Rodolphus or if he had recognised her with his short glance. Whatever the case, him seeming rather lost as he sat next to his bed scared her.

She stepped through the door and quietly closed it behind her before walking around the bed to sit down next to him and look out through the window. He shuffled next to her, collecting the shards of glass which lay next to his nightstand, while she took in the view of the large garden illuminated by moonlight. The trees towered like dark monsters above the fountain and hedges and the long shadows gave it all a gloomy look.

"Are you all right?" Phoenix asked without looking at him.

Somehow she sensed that he didn't want to be looked at when he was vulnerable. She obviously wasn't all that wrong in her notion, as he answered, "I'm not made out of glass, you know. By cutting my wrists open I didn't mean to make everyone come running whenever I have a papercut or something. Yes, I wanted to kill myself but that doesn't mean you have to ask how I am all the time."

"Sorry that I care." Phoenix rose her hands defensively.

Although this might have been her cue to leave, Phoenix stayed put. He acted like he wanted her to just accept that he had wanted to die – and maybe still did – but there was no way she could do that. Perhaps it was selfish but she couldn't go through what she had gone through in April again. How could he snap at her like that when she just wanted to help?

It didn't take long before Rabastan sighed, placing his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, love. It's just-" He rose his gaze towards the ceiling. "It's just that I have been having those dreams and not being able to sleep drives me crazy."

Instantly Phoenix softened. She wanted to curse herself for it. Whenever he said something like that it made her forget all the bad things and she would forgive him anything. "Do you want to tell me?"

"About the dreams?" he inquired and Phoenix nodded. "Not really."

After that, the conversation seemed to be over again. They sat next to each other in silence before Rabastan got to his feet and sat down on the bed. "I guess I should still try to catch some sleep or else I'll snap at everyone else too."

Phoenix tore her gaze from the scenery outside and looked up at him. He startled her when he suddenly touched her cheek with his hand. Involuntarily she melted into his touch. Softly he brushed his finger over her skin and then pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

Sighing once again, he said, "Do you know how beautiful you look right now?"

In that very moment, Phoenix was glad about the little light in his room because she felt her cheeks heat up. She lowered her gaze to the floor and reluctantly got to her feet. "You're right, you should catch some sleep."

She was about to walk away when he grabbed her wrist and thus stopped her. "Wait. Can you stay?"

When Phoenix turned around she was surprised to see a sense of uneasiness in his eyes. It was almost as if he was afraid of going back asleep and back to his dreams. Right then she realised that she had still no idea what was going on inside of him. Most likely there was a storm raging inside of him that he wouldn't show and it was only a matter of time until he would lose control again.

Before she could stop herself she replied, "Okay, but just this once."

Without another word he got under the sheets and scooted over to make room for her to lay down. The thought of sleeping next to a boy felt foreign. Granted, she had slept in the same bed as Sirius and Regulus but those were her brothers and not a boy she actually liked more than she wanted to allow herself to.

Rabastan was laying on his back with his eyes closed. There was enough room between them for another person to fit in and Phoenix didn't really know if she wanted him to close the space between them or stay where he was.

He took the choice away from her when his breathing slowed and she already thought he had fallen asleep. But all of a sudden he turned on his side focusing his eyes on her. "I feel like a fool saying this but I need you to know something. About what I said when you visited me in therapy..." He closed his eyes and her heart plummeted. She had been right all along. His confession had been his medication talking, not him. But then he grabbed her hand and interlaced their fingers. "You need to know that I meant every single word I said. Do you remember how you walked down the stairs before the Yule Ball? It was like this quote from Anna Karenina. 'He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.' Only it was you walking down and not me and I couldn't look away. I think that was the moment when realised I was falling for you. I'm not going to lie, it scared the bloody hell out of me. I thought it made me vulnerable to care about you but I think in April I finally realised that I was wrong. And now I know that every piece of my stupid heart is yours, every single fucking piece, Phoenix." He stopped her as he wanted to answer. "Just one more thing. I don't want you to feel like you have to say it back. I mean it would be awesome but this is not what I'm trying to do. If you don't love me that's totally fine. I just wanted you to know because all of this could be over any moment."

Phoenix sat up and ran a hand through her hair and then over her face. Of course, she wanted to say it back. She had read so much about love. Her favourite books concerned relationships but how could she know what love looked like when her parents had expressed so little of it?

"How do you know it's love?" she asked, rather than giving him a straight answer. As soon as she had said it, she wanted to take it back. It sounded like she didn't take him seriously. Phoenix added, "I mean books tell me one thing about love but then people like my parents don't express any of it. I think I love you but how can I know if I never experienced it before?"

She felt stupid for asking those questions but she just couldn't help wondering. "I don't think there's neither a real definition for love nor a threshold you have to cross. All I know is that when you're not there, I want you to be and when I feel bad and you turn up, it brightens up my mood at least a little and my heart beats faster when you smile at me. I guess the little things are what love is made of."