Wait [third book to n.s.]

a story & a thank you

if you'd like to skip, you may.
please read.
very important.
hey guys. if you read this please read thoroughly. it's very important to me and i want you all to understand what's going on in my life.

i know this isn't an update (i'll have some of those soon) but i love you all so i thought i'd share this story that's been affecting some things in my life. this will also be a thank you note at the end.

once upon a time there was aidan. although it has nothing to do with this, i really really liked him.
liked.

i kind of can't anymore. this story has to do with why updates have been slow, and why my heart is slowly giving up and the stitches are breaking off again.

so let me begin;

i've confessed feelings for my love interests four times.

four out of four times i've been rejected.

great right.

this time it was different.

on monday, i was talking to aidan when i realized that i kinda had something to tell him. at the time, we were best friends. why 'were'? i don't know what we are anymore.

so i try to call him but he rejects my call and i'm like 'i've got to tell you something.'

and he's like 'text it'

and this is what i basically said:

'okay so don't be mad at me but i really like you. so so fucking much, it's been for awhile but i didn't want to tell you yet bc i didn't trust you and i was scared. what i'm basically saying is that you drive me insane and i needed to tell you because keeping it in was killing me and i'm so sorry oh my god.'

he didn't reply the entire night.

so let's fast forward to the next day of school.
tuesday i go in and i don't hear a thing from him. at lunch my friend gets frustrated and confronts him; something that i should've done. but i was too scared.

so she went to him and confronted him about the whole thing and he told her exactly what he thought. but he couldn't tell me? he was able to tell morgan that he was scared and he thought it was awkward so he decided to ignore the situation. this, was the most immature thing to do. he wanted to ignore me until it went under the water. unbelievable.

i was pissed off to say the least. also upset. when morgan told me what had happened i was fine. until it sunk in. his ex-girlfriend happens to be my best friend. so once i had returned to my original lunch spot i pulled her over and told her what happened. she said exactly; 'i have lost all of my respect for him'. it was then that i began to cry.
it wasn't because he didn't like me or he didn't feel the same way. it was because he didn't feel the need to get up and come and tell me how he felt himself.

the three other times i had gotten rejected, i was told no; to my face.

the fact that i was told by a messenger of some sort made me want to cry a thousand rivers. how many times have i gotten shut down? four. four fucking times, and he has the nerve to not come and tell me how he feels himself? am i not worth that time?

this made me cry.

so i go throughout the day crying my eyes out, unsure of whether i should skip school or stay in class and cry.

i stayed in class and cried. my friends were very supportive in this situation and i'd like to say thanks for that (indirectly).

although i already knew the news, morgan informed me that i would be getting an explanation from him that night.

i didn't get one.

the next day i grow some balls again and go to him. i took him to the side and we talked in the corner of the lunch room. this is what happened: (i'm b)

b: hey.
a: hey...
b: so why are you ignoring me? i haven't heard anything from you.
a (like its obvious): well i've been really tired, and it was awkward so i tried to ignore it--
b: no no, i didn't ask you for anything it didn't have to be awkward. i--
a: yeah but still i didn't want to make it worse.
b: you are by not confronting it. look anyway what i'm saying is, can we just forget it happened? i know now that you don't feel the same.
a: how--
b: morgan.
a: oh
b: so, are we okay?
a: we're okay
b: high five?

then he gave me one but he kept a straight face the entire time.

it was after i left that i realized that i forgot to ask him why he couldn't tell me how he felt himself.

b (to myself): fuck.

so after spanish when the lunch bell rang i grabbed him and pulled him aside again.

b: sorry, i just forgot to ask something...
a (obviously a bit annoyed and confused but i feel the same): what?
b: why couldn't you tell me yourself? why did it have to be morgan and why have i had to confront you twice?
a: i don't know, i didn't know she was telling you... * trying to walking away*
b: what are you walking away for?
a: i have to buy lunch--
b: i have to buy lunch too stop walking away my god aidan i'm trying to talk to you. were you even going to tell me? because it doesn't seem like it.
a: yes i was. i was going to tell you today.
b: half of today is over and i haven't heard a thing. were you really going to? because that's the only reason why i cried throughout the rest of the school day yesterday. it wasn't because you didn't feel the same way or i felt insecure and worthless or whatever because i already do. it was because you didn't come and tell me.
a: look i'm sorry and i didn't mean to hurt you. i thought i was doing the right thing and i'm sorry. i never meant to make you cry.

and he's walking away as he's telling me this. guys this has been happening since monday and i've had sleepless nights and frequent headaches. i never ever thought that someone that meant so much to me could ruin me so much and be the one to make me pull my blades out of my closet again.

i had recently trashed most of them but i kept extra for this specific type of reason. guys my life has literally crashed and burned and i don't know what to do i'm so trapped and it's painful.

although i'm caught in quite the situation. coming home for three days in a row to over 200 notifications, over 100 comments on every N.S. series book, and a hell of a lot of votes literally makes me smile so wide my grin may split.

so i would like to thank every single one of you for the support on this book. i know this isn't an update but if you read this i thank you. i thank you so much. so so so much you have no idea how much every single one of you mean to me. this is a tough time and a tough situation i'm experiencing right now and to this moment i am still unsure of this aidan thing. it sounds stupid but he means so much to me and he still makes my heart swell even though we're going through shit. i know i'm only a sophomore in high school but it's killing me to the point where i can't help but cry every five seconds.

all of you reading are the reason why i'm still siting here writing to you.

if you read this, just comment a smiley face here.
thank you. updates soon. i will try, but writing narry love stories make me cry--i've already tried to write :') xx

-bria