I don't know when you'll see this, because I don't know if you went to sleep.
You probably did because you don't overthink things like I do.
I was really upset today, for reasons that shouldn't matter.
You asked me why your feelings were important and why mine aren't.
Because I'm not as important as you are.
At least... not in my eyes.
We ended the night on a bad note, and I guess that's my fault.
And as much as I would love to just stay silent right now, I felt like I needed to write this.
I feel awful.
And I'm gonna be honest, it's mostly your fault.
Because I care so much about you.
I don't know how I could care so much about someone you've only met for less then a year, but I guess I'm not like everyone else because I care for you more than I care for people I've known all my life.
We fight. A lot. More than an average best friend relationship should fight, but we care so much more about each other than most normal best friends.
I don't know why you still stick with me.
I feel awful.
I make you feel terrible.
And today started off so bad because you didn't answer my stupid text.
I don't know why it mattered so much because I've told you countless times you aren't obligated to text me all the time, or talk to me, or give me hugs. But you do anyway.
So I don't get why for the first time, when you didn't, I was hurt.
And it was only almost a half hour.
I'm truly disappointed in myself.
I'm hurting inside and you know it. But so are you. You're hurting and if I don't open up, you won't either, and I want to be here for you.
I want to hug you and tell you it's alright like you do to me.
I want to be able to be the person in your eyes like you're the person in mine.
I don't know if you're gonna read this, but it's true.
My life is so much better because of you.
And I don't care what you think because it is.
When I first met you.. I thought you were too good for me.
I thought that you would never want to be friends with a girl like me.
And I wanted to be friends with you.
And now, I'm asking you to hate me everyday.
Where has our friendship gone?
I miss you.
I miss us.
I miss who we used to be, even though who you are now is perfect.
I miss our jokes, and how we didn't argue about the fact that we aren't good for each other when in reality we are.
We may cause each other pain, but we also heal each other.
I wrote this in a few minutes because I needed to get it out.
I don't care if you ignore me. It'll hurt but I did this to myself, like I do everything to myself.
People leave because of me.
And maybe I'm just scared. Of everything.
It's sad really. I grew up living in pain, and now I have peace. And I don't like it.
I don't like the peace. It's weird, quiet. I don't have as many wild thoughts.
So maybe that's why I bring pain into my life.
Because all I've ever known was pain, and heartache and betrayal.
So now that I'm okay, I want to feel normal.
And I think normal for me is pain.
Which is so sad I can't deal with it.
I'm finally happy. Why can't I let it last?
Again, I wrote this in a few minutes because I needed to get it out.
I don't think you'll even read this. Or you'll read it and won't care how I feel, but this is it, all laid out in text.
Take care. And know I'll always care about you, even after days like tonight, or weeks ago, or months ago.
I just wished you realized how amazing you are.
You call me amazing? If you see such beauty and stuff like that, how come you can't see it in yourself when it is RIGHT in front of you?
You're amazing. I wish you knew that.
