I need help.
I can't ask you cause I feel like if I do, I'll weigh you down.
I keep crying. And i don't know how to make it stop.
And we're not talking much because every time I talk to you, I push you away.
And every time I talk to you, I get mad. I don't know why but I do.
I'm angry. So much is happening and I can't deal with it.
I feel like at any moment i'll just break. Or.. snap. And I can't handle it anymore.
I don't care when you read this. It's late so I don't know if you're awake. You probably are. But whatever.
I spoke to him today. Got his number. And it hurt hearing his voice. I don't know if you'll understand who I'm talking about. And I don't know if you'll care.
I have to go to therapy again. That's what the doctors said. And learn to deal with stress. But I can't.
And I'm not talking to you anymore recently.. cause I realized something.
The moment you cried, something inside me broke. And I realized just how broken you are, how broken we are. And it's not getting any better.
And then.. I realized I need to hide my emotions now. Again. Even more then I do. Cause if I cry at school, and have a panic attack in the bathroom, I'm attention seeking.
My feelings don't matter as much as yours. And idc if you fight me on this, but we're not really talking so what the hell.
I keep feeling sick. To the point where I almost passed out and feel asleep on my sister to avoid the pain.
I'm really scared. You don't know why but I'm freaking out inside. And outside.
And ugh. And I don't know how to deal with it. I'm literally about to break down writing this. But forget it.
And idc if you read this. I really don't.
I just.. I- ugh. I'm broken. I can't.. I can't. I CAN'T! I don't know what to do anymore!
I freaking love you and hate you at the same time. And I don't know why. I don't understand why. I need to understand.
You see me glare at you with pure hatred. But I don't hate you. I really don't. I love you so much I don't know how I could if I have only just met you.
I just... ughh this life thing is hard. And it only gets worse and worse. And part of my pain is you. But my happiness is also you. If I lose you, I lose a bit of pain and also one of my best happinesses.
Let me explain how you're my pain.
You scare me so much. You sometimes get hit by a wave.. and it scares me to even THINK that you'll be gone. And when you said bye once.. because you said you couldn't do this anymore... I broke down. I love you so much and I can't handle you being gone. Because I need you.
You fight me on how amazing you are. How caring. How kind. How you're there for me when I need you, even if we aren't talking to each other much. You claim you're ugly. And you really aren't. And it makes me so upset. Because you're so freaking amazing and you don't see it. And I understand that it's being hypocritical when I say that because I don't see that in myself when you claim I'm "great" but you are so amazing and it just- ugh. Nvm.
It's almost 3 AM and I don't want to continue this.
