You want to let me go.
"They say that if you love something you have to let it go."
But sometimes that phrase lies.
Sometimes, if you let something go, it falls down, crashes, and burns.
Sometimes the thing you're holding on to needs your support to live.
I get it. I push you away. I tell you to hate me, to find a new best friend, that I'm toxic and bring you pain, but if you do leave...
I just.. I'd be a mess.
You told me you wrote that when you were mad.
You didn't know if you'd wake up.
What if you didn't?
What about me?
Do you think I'd just get over that?
That I'd be okay? I'd be able to let someone back it? I'd just go back to normal after that?
NO! OKAY NO! Just.. just no.
WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I NEED YOU?! HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT YOU?! How much I would be lost without you..?
I get that I hurt you.. I push you away.
And I trust you with my life, it's just..
You have your own problems. You're own things you need to deal with.
So my first priority in my eyes is to push my feelings aside and help you.
And that may be dumb. Because keeping it inside hurts.
But in my eyes, my feelings don't matter as much as yours.
I'm not okay. I'm broken. Shattered. I cry every night. I think I'm ugly, and depressed, and mostly hopeless.
And it's amazing how you don't see that. And I wish you would tell me how you see things in me.
Because I don't see it in myself.
You're my light. Σε αγαπώ so much it's ridiculous. I need you. And if you care, stay. Don't let me go because I'll be a complete mess.
I don't care if you feel the same. I care about you more than I care about myself. More than I care about eating, or sleeping.
Being there for you is something I wish I do more often.
But if you want to leave, leave. I can't force you to stay, or be there for me.
I can't force you to stop your world for me. Or stay, for me. But stay.
If you don't believe me when I tell you these things, then don't believe me. But it doesn't stop it from being true.
You're my joy. My partner in crime. And no matter what, I'll always be there for you, even if you piss me off 24/7. That's just what we do.
Like you said, it's quite sad. We get these sparks of who we used to be. And then we'll argue. And it'll all be over.
And I want to hug you, and tell you everything will be okay like you do to me like I said before. But everything I try, you push me away.
And I guess I deserve it.
I pushed you away so much it's only natural for you to do the same for me.
And if you want me to open up, I will. But I just want to be there for you.
There's so many things I wish you knew. So many things I wish you would understand, and accept.
But I can't always have what I want. Especially if it has to do with life.
Anyway, I should get back to what I was doing. I'm scared for next week.
So much will be happening, I don't know if I can handle it.
I feel like I'm gonna cry at any second.
I feel like next week, I'll be walking into class, putting my head down, and just sobbing.
Cause the pain isn't going away. And it's just gonna get worse next week. With everything going on... I just can't.
And I can't talk to you about it. Today's basically the only day before it happens.
For the next couple of days, I'll be disconnected from people. And then the real pain begins, and then the aftermath of it all.
And I need a hug. And someone to tell me it's okay. That it'll all be okay and I shouldn't cry anymore. But I can't ask for that. I should be giving you that.
Anyway, I should leave. Today's all I have, and I should enjoy the last few moments of peace before the war. And pain. And tears.
It's gonna be a great week.
