First off, you shouldn't even read this until you wake up because we had a long night and you should be asleep.
Okay.
I'm going to tell you what I told her rn cause idk what she told you and I didn't wanna get into this convo in front of everyone.
Basically, I said I didn't know what to do about you at this point.
I said I ruined everything between us that we had. That we used to be best friends, and that I think of you as that, but you don't think of me like that.
I've asked you what we are but you'd never tell me. You claim you moved away from me for another reason but I'm pretty sure you left cause I wasn't her and you wanted to be next to her.
And if you couldn't sit with her, you'd sit with nobody.
So the entire ride to that place, I felt like crap because I felt like I wasn't good enough or I did something to you that you didn't like me anymore for some reason.
Then I said our friendship is toxic, but not in depth. I didn't really say why it's toxic cause I can never say it's toxic cause we put ourselves down and we argue over things like why we cared about each other, or why I do things to myself that you should never do, which kinda drives us close and apart at the same time.
It's not exactly toxic though cause it kept me alive.
It kept me from doing things to myself that I shouldn't have done.
I said I chased after you searching for a friendship we had but don't have anymore and I can't help but feel like it's my fault.
Cause it is.
I said if you wanted her, you could've told me instead of leaving or ditching me the entire time.
But I don't mind that.
Cause of course I'm being attention seeking but it feels different since the fight that I caused.
So I did this.
Then we talked about another person.
That's basically it.
When I said half that stuff though, I was pissed because of the others so half of us left left and all that.
I threw up 4 times and I didn't finish my food.
I threw up literally two minutes before I saw you.
I had panic attacks so much and people had to help me walk and stuff.
And everyone said I needed to drink water or eat something before I passed out but I couldn't cause people were fasting and I didn't wanna do that to them plus I don't eat anyway.
I'm going through a lot rn and I can't even freaking tell you cause it'll hurt you and I don't want that.
I'll care about you even if you stop caring about me so I can't make things worse for you even though me being in your life makes things worse for you but I'm not getting into that.
Okay.
I'm done.
Written May 18th, 2019, at 2 AM.
Edit: At this point... I don't know what to do.
I care about you and I know you don't care about me so I don't know why I keep trying to hold on to you when I know I shouldn't cause you're better off without me.
I keep crying over you.
It's really hard now being around you knowing I lost you.
Knowing our friendship isn't the same because I couldn't hold in my damn emotions and I lashed out and pushed you away.
And I just... I don't know what to do.
