You care a lot about me, so I push you away. I lie and say things like "I'm fine." Or "Just tired." And I hate that you see through that. A small part of me finally likes that someone isn't running away from me. Isn't hiding from the demons in my closet, but I'm afraid. You're very close to me, and if something happens to me... I don't know how you'd handle it. Like I wouldn't be able to deal if something happened to you. You mean a lot to me, which is weird because I have only known you for less than a year. I hate when you're upset, but I can't fix it. I can't make you happy, and I feel like I'm hurting for you. But I don't want to leave. I don't want you to find someone better because then I'd lose you, which isn't something I want. You scared me. You worried me. I don't want to lose you. I know, you told me, I can't fix you. And I'm trying, so hard, to pick up your broken pieces, but I can't find the glue to piece you back together. Now I hold up those pieces, putting them back together with my bare hands, even if it cuts into my skin. And now you have asked me to say goodbye. If I do... it'll make it more real. So when you read this, I hope you know I'm not leaving (I hope). I cant, I have people I live for. I leave, and it's selfish. I get it, I go through a lot, but what about the people I leave behind? I'd hurt them. And yes, it hurts me. I feel pain, but I hide away so people don't know what I'm feeling. If I leave, then they feel bad too, which is what I've been trying to stop from happening. But if the people I'm living for are gone... then I don't know what I'd do.
And to person 2, we finally talked again, but it was short and brief. We said hello, what you were doing, and how was school. Then the convo died. When you texted me, I admit a small part of me was happy you even remembered I existed, but I soon realized that I'm still nothing to you. So I can't keep holding on to the fact that I believe you'll come back, because you don't care about me the way I do for you.
And to person 1 and 3, I know you want to help me, and I get it. I get you want to help me, but what about you? You hide away from people just as much as I do. You cry just as much as I do. You go through just as much as I do. And you don't care for yourself the way you care for me. You don't see the beauty in you, or the ugliness in me. You don't see the light in you, or the darkness in me. Both of you. You both don't. Except, one stayed. And one left. To the one who left, I worry about you. About.. if you decided to hurt the people you left behind. But there's no way of knowing anymore. We've cut our communication. It's hard sometimes though, cause we used to open up to people. And now... I don't even know if you're...
And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all 3 of you. Because you cared about me, and out of all 3, I only have 1. And it scares me everyday thinking I might lose the last person.
And to person number .... I'm sorry if I left the wrong impression. I'm sorry if I've been leading you on because the truth is I want to be friends. That's it.
Now... I cry everyday now. It's sad but true. And I've been hiding things more now, in fear that it'll ruin things if it got out. And you've caught on to that, but I still deny it. I deny that I'm broken, or upset. I say "I'm fine." Even though I told you that it I'm fine=I'm not okay. But I still deny it. And I still will.
I want to thank person number 2. For showing me that people you love will leave. You broke down my walls, walked in, and destroyed what little hope I had left. But I want you to know you didn't break me. Not much at least. Cause now I have 2 new people in my life. And one replaced person 2, and one replaced person 3.
And I'm happier now.
Not really, but people say that if you repeat something enough, maybe you'll believe it.
So I'm happier now.
Edit: I didn't think I'd get so close to that. It scares me and I'm still shaking. My heart won't stop beating quickly and my head hurts. My eyes burn from the tears trying to fall. But I'm okay. I'm fine. So stop worrying.
