Slow Burn.

Chapter 31.

I sigh as I hold Sadie in my arms, feeling a sadness wash over me as I look down at her features. I thought that when Jax came back, everything would settle down. The drama, chaos and the longing feeling of not being alone. I rock the little girl in my arms as I stand in her nursery, the rain pouring down and hitting the window as an eerie quietness washes over the house. Abel is with Gemma for supper, Jax is gone with the club for something, and now it's just Sadie and I.

I look over to the hanging portrait of my mother and I. My mom is wearing a yellow sundress, and she's holding me as a small baby. She's standing in front of a big oak tree surrounded by a large garden her and my dad worked on at my childhood home. She's beaming with happiness and I'm smiling at my dad who's taking the photo. I feel a sting in my heart and slightly frown, missing her and wanting nothing more than for her to be here with me physically. To meet Sadie and Abel, to see Jax, to see all of us just one last time.

I had always pictured my mom being here with me, with us. I imagined her holding her grandchildren, playing with them and singing bed time lullabies to them. I imagined her watching me walk down the aisle, or holding my hand during the delivery of my own babies. I planned for her to be here when I would get engaged or meet the one. I had all of these plans that included her, and they were ripped out from under me. She has two grandchildren, and she'll never meet them. She'll never see Jax and I get married, she'll never see me in my wedding dress or holding my newborn baby. She'll never be able to hold my dad's hand as he cries after walking me down the aisle to my husband. She'll never be able to meet Noah's wife or girlfriend, or his puppy. She won't be around for when I really need her, she won't be around when Sadie or Abel needs the love and affection that only a grandmother can give. She'll never be here to hug me when things go tough, and she won't be able to tell me it'll be alright.

I feel a tear drop slide down my cheek and I let out a small sniff before wiping the tear away. I look down at Sadie who's now fast asleep, and the house slowly becomes engulfed by the night. I continue to rock Sadie and begin to sing to her. "When it rains it pours, but you didn't even notice. It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when we all know is. The struggle of staying above, the rising water line."

Sadie moves in my arms and I continue holding her, my grip tightening as I begin to grow protective over the girl. I can't help but miss my mother and wish she was here for all of this. "Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin', but you're stuck out in the same old storm again. You hold tight to umbrella, but darling I'm just trying to tell ya' that there's always been a rainbow hanging over your head."

"If you could see what I see, you'd be blinded by the colors. Yellow, red and orange and green, and at least a million others. So, tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around 'cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin', but you're stuck out in the same old storm again. You hold tight to umbrella, but darling I'm just trying to tell ya' that there's always been a rainbow hanging over your head."

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I close the door of our house and lock it behind me. I take off my wet sweater and hang it up along with my cut. I sigh, running a hand through my short hair as I unload my wallet and keys into the bowl on the table in the hallway. I walk through the house and notice how quiet it is. I stop in my tracks when I hear Kacey's voice ringing through the silence. I quietly move in the dark hallway, and stand by Sadie's nursery, watching as Kacey sings to our daughter.

I watch as Kacey cries, singing to Sadie as she continues to rock the baby in her arms. "Let go of your umbrella, darling I'm just trying to tell you that there's always been a rainbow holding over your head. Yeah, there's always been a rainbow holding over your head."

Kacey presses a kiss to Sadie's forehead as she lays her down in the crib, "It'll all be alright." She tells our daughter, brushing away her tears. I sigh, feeling nothing but guilty for not being here when she needed me the most. Of course, I feel awful about being in prison while she had Sadie, and I feel even worse knowing that her mom wouldn't be able to share that experience with her due to her death.

I step out of the darkness and walk towards her as I take a deep breath. "Hey, babe."

Kacey looks up at me and sniffs, wiping her tears away once more. "I thought you were going to have a late night? Where's Abel?" she eagerly asks, trying to take the attention from her and place it onto someone else.

"Mom's going to keep him for the night. He asked if he could have a sleepover with her and the birds." I tell her with a small chuckle. "What's going on?" I ask her, wanting her to open up to me. "Did you want me to run you a bath? Put on a movie?"

Kacey shakes her head, "No, it's fine." She tells me softly before walking out of the nursery and into our bedroom. I watch as she sits on the end of the bed, and I follow her, sitting beside her. I watch as tears begin to pour from her eyes. I immediately wrap an arm around her and pull her into me, "I just miss her so much. I hate that Sadie and Abel will never be able to meet her, and I hate how much she's missing out on." I sigh, knowing how she feels. Kacey's mom was her best-friend. They were closer than most, and she pays the price of her mother's death every day. "I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world without her, and I just, I can't stop crying about missing her."

I kiss her head, "I know, babe, I know." I tell her as I continue to hold her tightly, "I get it." Kacey continues to cry in my arms, and I feel my heart break. I can't help but have the guilt weigh on me.

I should've been there.

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