His Lie in April - 四月の彼の嘘 (Shigatsu no Kare no Uso) (COMPLETE)

I Want to Believe

Kousei had some time to stew over his decision to compete in the Maihou Music Competition. As his friends, Ryouta Watari and Tsubaki Sawabe practiced for their big games in the coming days, Kousei was all alone Music Preparation Room, trying to get his thoughts together. At times, especially in the week that had passed, it seems like he was spaced out most of the time.

He just stood idly by his piano bench right by its piano, just merely playing the piano almost in his automatic style. But, one moment after he finished a piece, he became introspective about himself again. So, I'm going to be competing in a big piano contest, eh? Why is it that, even though she's been gone for a while, my mother still resides within me? Every time I hear myself, I sound like I'm still fettered to her. I'm still hopeful about everything, but I want to believe..... that I am no longer her puppet, no longer bound to her metaphorical shackles.

He then began playing the air piano. Even with all this in mind, all he could think of how his musical style was. That.... That recording.... I sounded that awful? What... could I be doing... wrong? Oh, good god..... what is with me being on autopilot all the time when I play?

He then got back on the piano, playing another piece and playing it wonderfully. He then got out a can of UCC Coffee and drank it. Kaori, Tsubaki and Watari seemingly left Kousei all alone on this school day, which was somewhat unusual for them. Tsubaki and Watari had to get ready for their regional matches, and thus had no time for Kousei. It was just as well, because Kousei was starting to feel at peace with himself with his life, and he needed some time to himself to get his train of thought in order.

As Tsubaki and Kaori walked home that night, Kousei's mental state was becoming somewhat of a concern for both of them. "So, ready for regionals?" Kaori asked. "Yes..... I feel like I'm ready." Tsubaki smiled. "Kousei has been somewhat spaced out lately.....it seems like each day since that health episode, the guy feels like he's on another planet." Kaori told her. "Still.... I want to believe.... that he has his whole life ahead of him. He has a bright future, and even though it seems he seems automatic, I want him to see a bright world... as much as I like to say it, I want to believe. Like Mulder's poster on The X-Files." The two reached Tsubaki's home. Kaori shook Tsubaki's hand, and the two parted company. "Have a good night, Tsubaki." Tsubaki smiled back at Kaori. "Good night, Kaori." And with that, Kaori went back to her home.

That night, Kousei looked at the pamphlet once more in the music preparation room. He had spent all night in that room. "Such a nice view tonight, huh, Kousei?" Kaori said. "Yeah." Kousei nodded. "How are you feeling, Kousei?" she asked him. "Better. I'm not as spaced out now." Kousei then got out another can of UCC Coffee and drank. Lately, all it seemed for Kousei was that he liked that drink. Kaori questioned him: "How many cans have you drank of that stuff today, Kousei, three?" "Four." "Well, Kousei, too much of that stuff isn't good for ya."

Kousei continued on. "For the first time ever in my life, I'm hopeful. I want to believe..... that I am a wonderful pianist. But all this time.... It seemed like I was running away from my destiny. For years.... I wasn't able to hear anything. I only heard in monotone. Everything around me..... seemed to be in black and white. But ever since that health episode, I've come to realize.... I want to be more hopeful. I want to believe.....that I have a future, and even though I've tried hard to run away from the past, I want to approach the future head on. But... one day a few years ago.... I just couldn't handle the pressures of the piano anymore, so I walked away. It's taken me awhile.... But I feel like you are finally trying to get me back on my bootstraps and get myself going again. I want to believe..... that I can be a good, if not even better pianist than ever before. Even having a future free from being monotone. I heard myself on that recording you provided me.... and sometimes it seems like I'm not at my best. And sometimes, I have days like that. I was such a perfectionist..... that it seemed like I was beating myself up for every little mistake. Now I realize, we all make mistakes, and we have to accept those for what they are."

Kousei then stood up. "Come here." He put up his arms up, asking for a hug. Kaori accepted. "You're really something....I believe in you. You believe in me....." The two both shed some tears of joy as they embraced. For once, Kousei felt happy about things..... and here Kaori was,ready to lend a helping hand in getting him back on his feet. He truly felt hopeful about his life, and for Kousei, Kaori was giving him a huge lift. Even making the hug sweeter, was that there was a full moon up. It made for a sweet scene.