His Lie in April - 四月の彼の嘘 (Shigatsu no Kare no Uso) (COMPLETE)

Beyond the Point of No Return

CONTENT/TRIGGER WARNING: Some strong language is in this chapter, again; also, mentions of suicide. Reader discretion is advised.
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Even though Kousei survived his surgery, the fact that he was in a worse off state than before had him even more suicidal than before. He was only awake for at least 6 or 7 hours a day, and what little movements he made were mostly limited to little speech, and mostly movements to his arms, which were slow. His eyesight was nearly gone, as was his hearing; as a result of his diminished eyesight, his glasses, which were part of his look, were of no use to him anymore, and he could no longer wear them; he was being kept on life support for most of the day; only waking up sporadically for special care when needed. His neurological state was just severely bad, and he could no longer communicate in full sentences (in fact, anything that came out of his mouth was nothing but slow grunts), or even remember simple things, like his name.

With what little he could see, Kousei looked at his body, which was looking malnourished with his ribs in plain view, but they were mostly covered up by bandages, and his arms and legs were also frail looking. He couldn't believe he even survived the operation, when it was expected he wouldn't. Kousei had another inner monologue.

What? I'm still here? I thought I was going away. I can't believe it; I survived this damn thing? That's it! I need at least a day to stew over it, but I will try to find a way to just end my damn life on my own terms. I don't know how I'll do it, but I'm going to do it! I'm beyond the point of no return... I can NEVER play the piano again, I have my mother's damn illness, and she's dragging me down! I guess this must be her way of punishing me from beyond the grave. All of my achievements, accomplishments, years of training... WASTED! ON ALL THIS SHIT!

However, he would have to try and brush off any suicidal thoughts if Kaori, Hiroko and/or his own father, Takahiko, were present with him. He knew he was at the end of his rope, but he couldn't dare tell his friends about that, or even any of his medical staff that was overseeing him.

At Kaori's residence, she was sitting on her bed, wearing a tank top and sweatpants, just looking listless. She was listening to a CFL game on the clock radio of hers, but it didn't involve her Saskatchewan Roughriders, but instead the Edmonton Eskimos and Montreal Alouettes. She was listening to the game while tossing around her CFL ball. Just then, a call from Hiroko Seto came in. Kaori answered it, as she put down her CFL ball.

"Yes, Hiroko? What's new?" Hiroko then briefed Kaori on what had happened to Kousei. "OK, Kaori, it's been a week or so, so I'll get down to the nitty-gritty. A few days ago, Kousei had a very large seizure, as a result of a brain aneurysm from the head trauma and had to be operated on the next day. While he did survive the surgery, he is, unfortunately, in worse shape than before. He spends only six hours out the whole day awake, and he is just sleeping for the remainder of that. It's just that dire, Kaori... the medical staff is saying he's experienced major amnesia, and cannot remember his own name or other such things; they also stated he doesn't even have any memory of his life before the third accident."

Kaori then shed a few tears. "Okay... let's go see him this afternoon, Hiroko." Hiroko then continued on. "By the way, Kaori, if I may ask... How are you doing?" Kaori sighed and said "Not so well. I can't even play the damn violin anymore to save my life because of Kousei. Now I'm just spending my days playing on the Famicom, looking up stuff on the internet about Canadian football, and walking on that strip of tape that says WALK THIS WAY in my room. It's just that dire." Hiroko said "I hear you. I've been spending quite a bit of my days just cuddling with my daughter, Koharu. I'll see you later."

That afternoon, with Kaori wearing her Roughrider jersey, ran into Hiroko at a bus stop. Yes, it was early September, but that part of the month is still in summer, so it was rather hot and steamy today. "Nice jersey, Kaori... you know, I can tell you like the Riders a lot..." Kaori said "Yeah... so, where is Kousei?" Hiroko said "Well... He is in the hospital, but he can be seen pretty soon. I must warn you, though, you and I will likely have a hard time seeing him in the state that he is in now. So, with that said, are you ready to see Kousei?" Kaori, choked up, agreed and said "Yes..."