His Lie in April - 四月の彼の嘘 (Shigatsu no Kare no Uso) (COMPLETE)

"Is This What I've Come To?"

CONTENT WARNING: Some strong language is in this chapter.

By now, on days when Kousei wasn't at the hospital for his battery of tests, getting his brain checked or even having speech therapy, it seemed like he was facing a borderline-impossible situation in trying to get back his piano-playing skills fully on a consistent basis. He was having a Jekyll-and-Hyde like effect on him: Masterful one moment, then sounding like someone inexperienced the next. 

Not helping his problems was the fact that in addition to having his speech slowed down, he also was moving the piano a bit slower; which was a far cry from the "Human Metronome" style he had become. He was starting to realize his brain may have been permanently damaged by the two episodes of head trauma he had endured so far.

With just a week and two days until the gala, on this day, at Sumiya's Music Preparation Room, Kousei was all by himself. He was just feeling rather listless. He was eating some donuts (and not his usual egg sandwiches) but had them with milk, which was a beverage he liked. He had the usual battery of medications with his condition as well.

As he swallowed two of the donuts, he realized that his sense of taste had diminished a little. "Oh.... damn it! My taste..... has gone away.... a little. Am I missing.... something I used to like? I like donuts..... but they'll never.... be able to replace..... what I love.... egg sandwiches."

Kousei then picked himself back up after finishing the donuts and milk, and started playing the piano piece that he had randomly assigned to practice. He started playing. On this particular occasion, he sounded inconsistent. Kousei was bothered by this; with his diminishing mind, he took a moment to assess his situation.

"What the.... hell? This is what..... these damn..... accidents..... have done to.... me? Damn..... here comes..... another..... migraine!" Kousei then tried to wait to see if it would subside, which it did after 10 minutes; the migraines were also coming in more frequently now.

Tsubaki came in. She couldn't believe the horrible shape Kousei was in; although he had his new prosthetic left foot, there were bandages covering quite a bit of his head from the head injury (one could see some scarring from these impacts), and on top of this, Kousei had become noticeably thinner and fairly frail, although you couldn't tell from his school uniform covering much of his body. She, alongside much of Sumiya Junior High were just heartbroken to see him in this state. Even at this, they still wished him well.

"Kousei.... a lot of people.... they're just heartbroken for ya. I can't believe you're even in this state! You look like someone that is at least six or seven times your age!"

Kousei looked at Tsubaki as if she were from another planet. "I have had... a bit too... many head injuries..." Tsubaki said "You're damn right you've had too many head injuries! You just looked at me as if you didn't know me at all!" Kousei continued. "What.... what?" Tsubaki said "There you go! You just said 'What?' to me! See what this has done to you?!" Kousei then said "Oh, sorry, Tsubaka.... er, Tsubaki...." 

Tsubaki sighed. "Shit....." she said under her breath. "I need to have a frank talk to you, Kousei Arima. This past month, you lost your foot, have taken two blows to the head.... and given the course you're going on, you're probably going to have your life shortened considerably! I'm feeling torn apart! It's tearing Kaori apart! It's tearing Watari apart! It's tearing everybody here apart! What happened to the Kousei I used to know that could talk and think well?! Will that part of you ever return again?! I've had days where I can't bear to look at you! Kaori has, too! Same with Watari! They just can't look at you withering away like this! You act like you have been in like, hundreds of car crashes!" 

Kousei's withering mind then had a moment of clarity. "What... why? Oh, good lord..... this is really.... not good. I feel.... like.... a ghost.... at times. In a way, you could..... say that I've.... been in a.... few..... car cra....shes. Please, don't tell..... anybody about.... any of this..... I have my.... mother's.... disease. They told.... me... it is..... incurable. And what I've.... gone through..... will likely.... accelerate.... my death. Is this.... what I've.... come to? I was.... once the.... most talented.... young.... pianists in Japan.... and..... now I have.... my mother's.... goddamn.... disease? My fate.... is now..... in jeopardy. I don't.... want to.... hurt my..... head again. Twice is two.... times too.... many." 

Tsubaki began to feel heartbroken. "Oh, my god...... it all makes sense now. You poor thing...." Kousei then began to break down and cry. "God.... freaking.... dammit. Just when.... I thought.... I was free.... from my.... mother..... I'm bound... to her.... forever. Please.... Do me a favor.... don't tell anybody..... about my disease, please. Keep this between.... you and..... I." 

Tsubaki then embraced the crying Kousei and hugged him. "All we can hope is..... let's hope you can make it another year.... your secret is safe with me, Kousei." Kousei said "Thanks.... All I can... hope for now... is to keep.... playing.... like I have.... always done.... before." Since it was late in the day, nobody else heard Kousei's secret.

That night, Kousei just sat on his piano bench in his house, wearing nothing but blouse of his school uniform open (with his chest exposed; one could see how he had lost quite a bit of weight from this accident) and his biker shorts, since it was fairly warm that night.

He first looked down at his prosthetic left foot, as a reminder of all that he had gone through the past month. Then, he looked forlornly and wistfully at the picture of his little self with his mother that was on his piano, showing off an award he had won at a piano competition. 

He wondered to himself as he gazed at the picture Mom..... even though we had a love/hate relationship with each other.... I can't believe I'll likely be going the way you went. How can I make you proud when I have your disease? I don't think I can make you proud at all..... I'm fettered to you, forever! And now you're starting to drag me down with you!

Kousei looked at his frail and fragile frame, then broke down and cried again. "I'm.... not loved! I'm... unloved!! My brain... is altered! I'm slowly.... finding..... no reason.... to live! I'm slowly..... losing the will.... to live! All of this..... my mom.... she's come.... back to.... haunt me!!" The tears in his eyes were now cascading down his face freely, and he covered his face in grief. He cried himself to sleep over how he was coming to his rather stark realization about his future.

All of this was just now just closer to the gala. Deep inside, Kousei was feeling unloved, and was finally feeling, and falling into, a deep depression; this was now one of the earliest signs that the brain trauma was now finally coming home to roost for him.

Hiroko looked with Koharu at the night sky, wondering about Kousei. I hope he will make a full recovery soon... Little did she know, however, that when she would next meet Kousei, she would find him a forever-altered man, with his body looking drastically different than before.