TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Five [Nobody Cared]

Nobody cared

until it was too late

to undo the scars I left on my skin.

k.b.

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After Ryder dropped me off in front of my house, the new found feeling of company completely left my body. Instead, I feel just like I always do,

Dead.

I had refused to go into the roller rink, even when Ryder tried reassuring me that nothing was in there. Now I regret not going inside the building. I would rather be anywhere but here. I love being alone but sometimes it gets so quiet and lonely.

Having so much time to myself allows my mind to wonder away from me, it goes off to so many dark places.

Do I regret talking to Ryder? Yes, I do. I shouldn't have let him talk to me, I'm so stupid! There is no way I will go to school tomorrow, no way in hell.

My blood starts to boil as guilt fills in the pit of my empty stomach. I look down at my shaking fingers. As if they could talk, my brain seems to understand what they're trying so very hard to tell me, "Grab your blade... Cut your wrist... Do it, do it,  do it."  I can't take it anymore, I grab my razor from the nightstand at the side of my bed and don't skip a beat as I glide it across my left wrist.

Blood pours from my veins to the floor. I don't stop the bleeding, I just shut my eyes and let the pain calm me down.

Will I ever be able to stop harming myself? No. I realize as I cut a second time and don't stop till late into the night.

______________________________________

I wake up on my floor with my blade still held in my hand. It's still early, but since I don't plan on going to school today I sit up and shut my eyes and lean my head down onto my knees.

The silence is deafening for a minute, but then I hear a sickening sound coming from down the hall, no doubt it's coming from his room. I feel like I'm about to puke as the sounds of a woman's drunken giggle stings my ears.

Changing my mind about school, I strip down and jump in the shower. I close my eyes under the cold spray of water that covers my body. I scrub the scabs from my arms and cover myself in body wash. After I'm done I step onto the cold tiles of the bathroom floor and wince as I see my reflection. My hair is longer then it used to be, and my skin is pale and thin looking. Turning away from the mirror I wrap a towel around myself and pick out an outfit, after deciding on my Mayday Parade t-shirt that I got a long while ago and ripped light denim skinny jeans, I pull on my mom's old worn leather jacket and a pair of black and white converse combat. After trying to hide my face with some makeup, I walk to the bus stop.

_______________________________________

I can't decide if I want to spend my lunch period alone in one of the school's bathrooms, or if I should take my chances and go to the trailer, maybe Ryder won't be there..? It's so pathetic that I don't have any friends to sit with in the cafeteria like a normal person. Taking my chances I walk to the trailer.

After I open the door I sigh in relief when I see the coast is clear. I settle in a seat and just like every day close my eyes.

My mind starts to fog over and seems to disappear as I fall into a slumber. Sleeping is the only way I can fully stop my mind from going insane. I'm not a dreamer, so I spend my time sleeping in pure darkness.

______________________________________

"Hayden?"

I lift my heavy head from my desk and look up at a newly familiar face. I blink a couple times to get my full vision back. He's looking down at me with a slight smile.