TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Nineteen [I Know Exactly How It Feels]

Trust me,

I know how it feels.

I know exactly how it feels

to cry in the shower so no one can hear you,

and waiting for everyone to fall asleep so you can fall apart,

for everything to hurt so bad

you just want it all to end.

I know exactly how it feels.

-Unknown.

__________________________

I nod my head slowly. He just kissed me.

Ryder just kissed me.

I don't know what to think, I don't know why he kissed me, but I do know that for the short amount of time his lips were on mine, I was almost convinced that my life was perfect. But then he pulled away and now I am back to reality.

But. . .

"Can I try something . . ?" I ask in a whisper, not sure if I'm about to do the right thing.

"Sure." Ryder nods. I take a deep breath and look down at his lips. I bring my eyes back up to his and quickly make up my mind.

I gently pull his face back to mine and kiss him. He seemed to be surprised at first, but kissed me back nonetheless. The feeling is almost indescribable, my stomach fills with butterflies and my head feels light as a tickle-y feeling fills my arms, legs, and feet. My face colors red and I desperately want to feel like this forever.

I pull away and hold my breath. Just like I thought, when he is kissing me, everything seems normal. My mind isn't burning me with terrifying visions, its calm and collected.

"Oh my gosh. . ."

"What?" Ryder's eyes flash with worry. I shake my head trying to silently tell him that nothings wrong.

"Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry."

"You didn't do anything . . ." I look past him and stare at the woods. It gets super cold in the winter here in Missouri. the trees show it on every branch, the frozen pine needle covered grounds are not fun to walk on.

Suddenly my heart picks up its beat as I let the demons in me speak too loud for me to block out.

You idiot.

Why would you kiss him?!

You let him get too close!

You'll pay the price.

No. No. No. I didn't want this to happen. . .

"I need to go." I jump up from the frozen ground and run as fast as I can. With my luck I end up slipping on the frozen road, but I don't let my bleeding elbows slow me down. I get right back up and continue running away from Ryder. I can hear him shouting my name in the background, but I don't understand what he's saying.

"Hayden! Stop!"

His voice is getting closer.

"Fuck!" Ryder swears. I glance behind me and see him getting up from the asphalt. I feel bad, but I can't go help him. I don't trust myself right now.

"Just give up! I'm not worth it Ryder!" I stand on my wobbly legs too afraid to keep running.

"Just let me talk to you. Stop fucking saying that you're not good enough, because you wanna know something? I'm a piece of shit. You have no idea how fucked up I am. That's why I understand what you're going threw, I know how you feel, I know what you think of yourself. I know."