TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Twenty [So Many People Have It Worse]

I feel like I don't have the right to be depressed

when so many people have it worse.

-Unknown.

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Ryder grabs my hand from under the comforter and grasps it. "My brothers name was Travin." He mumbles. "That's a nice name." I comment, holding back asking "was?". He nods in agreement with a small smile.

"He was picked on in elementary school, because he had a crush on a girl who had Autism ..."

I clench my hand around his, "That's so terrible."

"I know. But it gets worse. In middle school he was bullied because of the type of music he listened to. By the time high school came around, almost everyone hated him. Usually when he would come home from school he would talk to me and tell me if the bullying got worse. But, one day his Senior year, he started acting distant..." Ryder stops talking. I don't push him to continue, I know he will when he wants to."I was scared, I told him that I was going to tell our parents about the bullies, he freaked out and said that if I told them, he'd kill himself ... And you wanna know what I did?" Ryder sucks in a deep breath.

"What?" I whisper slightly afraid.

"I told my parents about the bullies.They didn't think it was too bad at first, until I explained how long it was going on and just how terrible it was. When they decided that they needed to talk to him, my Father told me to stay in the kitchen. I remember waiting while they walked up the stairs and banged on Travin's door. He didn't open the door, after fifteen minutes I started panicking. But I wasn't aloud upstairs. My Dad had to remove the door hinges and take the door off the wall. After hearing my Moms scream and my Dad's silence ... I knew he was gone. And it was my fault." Ryder doesn't cry. He doesn't move. He rests beside me lost in dark memories.

"It wasn't your fault." I mutter. He tenses up and pulls away from me. "Yeah, actually it was. If I had kept my fucking mouth shut, maybe he would be here still."

"That's not true. He was in pain, Ryder that had nothing to do with you." I try to convince him. he lays back down, but I can tell he didn't listen to me. 

"Its hard losing a brother, when Travin died, I fell apart. At his funeral as they lowered his casket into the ground, I swear a part of me was locked in there with him ... I thought I'd be okay as long as I had my parents and my depression didn't get too bad. Two months went by, my Mom hardly spoke, she was seeing a therapist twice a week, my Dad was always yelling, always wanting to fight. I started spending my days at the roller rink because it was quiet and I was alone. But I would go home to see my Mom, she needed me." Ryder pauses. I listen closely to every word he says, I know what its like to lose someone you love. You lose yourself also. 

"Six months after Travin died," Ryder speaks, "I left to go home from the roller rink. When I arrived at the house, most of the lights were off, which was unusual because it was getting dark out and my Mom hated the dark. I walked threw the front door expecting to hear my Mother moving around in the kitchen as she cooked dinner, but instead I heard nothing. It was so quiet I thought I had gone deaf. So I called out for my Mom, hearing my own voice scared me, I wasn't losing my hearing, something was wrong. I walked into the kitchen and it was empty. So were all of the other rooms, when I walked up the stairs, I saw a light shining from under my parents bedroom door. Wanna guess what I saw when I opened the door?" 

I shake my head.

"My Mothers dead body, she was laying on the floor with her head pressed into the carpet. My Dad was sitting next to her body petting her hair." 

I stay completely still. Did his father kill his Mother? 

Ryder is breathing heavily. I can tell this is hard for him to tell me. I want to comfort him, but I don't know how to. "Ryder, you don't need to tell the rest of the story, its okay." 

"No. I do." He runs his hand threw his hair, "My Mom overdosed on her depression medicine. My Dad was in shock, he kept telling himself that she was asleep. That was the day I completely lost myself, I started doing stupid shit, I shut all of my friends out, stopped going to school ..." 

"I am so sorry ... If I would've known, I would've never been so weak around you." I sit up and pull the blankets away from my body. Ryder sits up also, he grabs one of my small shaking hands and holds it to his chest. "Do you feel that?" He looks into my eyes. I focus on his heartbeat under my fingertips and nod. "That heart wouldn't be beating still if it wasn't  for you." 

I tare my eyes away from my hand and look into his light eyes. I open my mouth about to disagree, he pulls me closer to him and shuts me up. "I didn't tell you about my past because I wanted your sympathy, I needed you to know that I can help you, I recovered, and now you can too." 

"You'd want to help me, even though you have gone threw way worse?" I ask in a whisper. 

Ryder grabs my other hand and lays it on his chest next to my other one, "I'll do anything to see you happy." 

My heart flutters. "With you," I get closer, "I am." I bring my face up to his and kiss him. 

Its been so many months, weeks, minutes, seconds, and finally I allow myself to be happy. Even if it only lasts a few minutes.

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This is sort of a filler chapter, I'm not sure how I feel about it, when I'm finished the book I will go back and edit the whole thing, I'll probably end up re-writing this chapter and many others.

But anyway, I have news! There will be a second book. I hope you guys will read it, I can't tell you what its going to be about because first you need to see how this one ends. Truthfully, it never does. 

xx