TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Seventeen [I Feel So Damn Lost]

'Cos I feel so damn lost

and it comes with a cost

of being alone.

-5 Seconds Of Summer (Gotta Get Out)

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There is this anxious feeling. It consumes your thought process, always trying to find a loophole to climb threw and enter your brain. The thing about this feeling, is, no matter how many times you cover yourself in cold water. Close your eyes. Or maybe even try to escape the world, it will forever be there until you figure out what exactly is bothering you. Until that issue is solved. Until you tell the secret that has been bothering you for ages, but, you have this fear as well. Fear that you'll never figure out the problem. Fear that you will never find the missing puzzle piece. Fear that once you tell that secret, people will judge you, hate you. And then a whole new issue comes to life.

This is the worse thing possible to keep you up at night. And the thing that makes it so much more atrocious for me, I don't even know what I am afraid of.

Am I afraid of dying?

no. of course not.

Afraid of being left behind, and forgotten?

I expect that. Every day I know it could happen.

Am I afraid of falling in love..?

I'm terrified. That can't happen. It won't happen.

But I'm scared. What if I slip? What if I accidentally let the thought of love into my mind, and it refuses to leave? And then once he leaves... I'll be left alone with an un shared feeling.

That's what I'm afraid of. Falling in love.

____________________

"You know I can eat a whole orange in twenty seconds."

"Shut up."

"I'm being serious!" Ryder tries to convince me. "Do you have an orange on you?"

I look at him, "Why would I randomly have an orange on me? Do I look like a tree?"

"Good point. . ." He slumps back down into his seat. "Since I've told you all my talents-"

"Those weren't talents." He glares at me, but decides to go on.

"Now its your turn. What are your talents?"

"I don't have any." I shrug.

Ryder doesn't buy it. "Oh come on, do you at least have a hobby?"

"Not really."

"Emphasize."

"I like to play the piano. But I haven't played in so long, I'm probably terrible now."

"I'd still listen to you play."

I duck my head in embarrassment. Its true, I used to play piano. It was amazing while it lasted. But after my mother got diagnosed with cancer, I forgot all about it. Its been almost four years since I've played.

I look around the trailer in boredom. this place has become not only my place, but Ryder's also. At first I was bothered by Ryder always showing up, but now I get bothered when he doesn't show up.

Crazy right?

______________________

I shove the rest of my textbooks into my locker and sigh. Today I put the effort into trying to learn something. Now I'm stressed out about just how little I actually know.

I spin around after feeling a rough tap on my shoulder. I stare at the angry eyes of Olivia.

"Bitch, you think you can go behind my back and spread shit that's not yours to spread?"

"Wh- what?"

"Oh, typical. Play the victim whore. I know exactly what you told Dante. And you know what?"

"What. . ?"

She purses her lips and pushes her hair behind her shoulder. "You're gonna pay. I don't care how bad your fucking life is. I'll make it worse."

"What are you talking about?! I did nothing." I defend myself. I am so confused. what is this whack job talking about? Who the hell is Dante?!

"Your little boy toy told me everything. Might wanna get to know the person before trusting them. . ."

"Ryder. . . What did he say?" Olivia looks taken aback for a second but recovers with a nasty smirk. "Oh, ya' know. How you were begging him to, you know fuck you."

I stand there speechless. I can't talk. I can't move. I stand there. Paralyzed. Its as if the whole world is crashing down on me. My hands shake and my face goes pale. Its my worse nightmare,

Coming true.