TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Seven [The Scars Will Form]

The bleeding will stop

The wounds will heal

The scars will form

And all of your problems will still not be fixed.

-g.h.

_______________________

Ryder offered that we skip the rest of our classes. It didn't take much convincing before I agreed. The only reason I was hesitant at first was because I was afraid everyone will see me as a coward and think that I am too afraid to face Olivia and her gang again. But after Ryder told me to forget about those bitches I realized that he's right, I don't care what people think about me.

So that's how we ended up here, sitting in his jeep in front of a fast food restaurant. my hands sweaty due to my out of control nerves, and my brain working in overdrive to try and make up an excuse to why I can't eat. So far everything I have thought of sounds ridiculous.

"What do you want me to get you?" Ryder asks as he studies the large menu packed with greasy burger options.

"Oh - Um nothing." I don't let him see my face, it's so obvious I'm hiding something.

"Nothing? You're not hungry?"

"No, I can't eat anything after what happened earlier." I lie, honestly I have forgotten about the whole Olivia incident.

Ryder doesn't say anything for a moment. I can feel him staring at my shaking bony fingers, and It's starting to make me feel uncomfortable.

"When was the last time you ate?" He questions in a small voice.

I stay silent.

"Hayden, when did you last eat?" He urges for an answer.

I clasp my hands and put them in my lap. "This morning." I lie.

"Bullshit." Ryder opens the door to his jeep and steps one foot out before continuing, "You're going to eat something. I know you don't want to, but I can't have you starving to death anymore. We're gonna fix this Hayden."

I stare into his intense eyes, he is serious, he really wants to help me.

"Sure."

I don't know why I said sure, maybe it was a way for me to say that sure I will eat. Or sure I will let you try to help me, although I know that I am no longer fixable, that ship sank two years ago. Or maybe the reason sure walked its way past my pale lips was me accepting that Ryder somehow understands that I'm not fixable, but he's going to try just for the hell of it. So sure, just don't feel disappointed when your attempt fails.

I never wanted to starve myself, but after not having a choice if I wanted to eat or not, when I saw that I was losing weight I liked it, It started to not bother me that I was always hungry, being able to hold back the urge to eat gave me the only satisfaction I could find. Never eating was an accomplishment to me.

I sit patiently in the car while waiting for Ryder to return from the fast food place. I can't control my shaking anymore. What if I can't eat, and he makes me? Will he understand that it's not possible for me to eat a greasy burger?

Moments later, Ryder walks to the jeep with a white paper bag in his hand. "Are you okay Sally?"

"Sure."

"Enough with the crap Hayden. You don't have to lie to me, I'll pretty much understand anything you say. I know what depression and all that stuff is, and I don't judge."

"I'm just afraid ..."

"Of what?"

"Eating. I've been able to fight my hunger for so long that by eating I feel like I am giving in and losing the battle."