TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Thirteen [Isn't It Ironic]

Isn't it ironic?

That the things we do

To feel alive

Are things that can

Kill us.

(k.h)

__________________________

"I Really am sorry Hayden."

"Its okay." I sigh. Ryder has apologized an uncountable amount of times this past hour. He took me out to lunch earlier, I didn't eat much but he told me that no matter how much I eat, as long as its not nothing, its something. Even though school was almost over, we went back and have been sitting in the trailer ever since.

"Do you read books?" He asks randomly.

"I used to."

"Why not anymore?"

"I don't know, I've read all the books that I have." 

"Same problem here. Have you read Great Expectations?" 

"No. . ."

"You should."

"Okay."

We sit in silence. I stare down at my bony fingers and he stares at me. 

"Gosh, I feel like an eighty year old man. Sitting here talking about Charles Dickens books."

"I don't mind." I say.

Ryder smiles. "You should smile more Sally, it looks good on you." He winks. 

Huh? Was I smiling?! I blush and hide my face under my hair. "Shut up."

"Aw, but than you wont be able to hear my masculine voice." He grins.

"Masculine? More like girly." 

"You and me both know that's not true." 

"Hmm."

______________________

Ryder turns to face me, "How about I pick you up for school tomorrow?" He asks.

"Um. . . Tomorrow is Saturday. . ." I smirk. He looks out the windshield for a minute than faces me again. "Forget I asked that." 

I roll my eyes at his stupidity and look out at the snow covered pines that surround my neighborhood. We have been sitting in his jeep parked in front of my house, like always when he drops me off, I don't want to go inside. 

"How many siblings do you have?" I ask hesitantly trying to make small talk.

"Uh- just one. And you?" 

"None. I was adopted."

"Is it hard?" Ryder doesn't look at me. He seems lost in thought. His hands are clenching the steering wheel and his head is tilted to the right the slightest bit.

"Is what hard. . ?"

"Being adopted and all..."

"No, not really. My mom was great, and so was my dad."

"Was?" 

I don't reply right away. 

"No- don't answer that. I'm sorry. I'm being nosy."

"No, uh its fine. Yeah was. My mom died three years ago, she had colon cancer. . ." I stare out the window blinking rapidly. "My- um dad," I spit out the word like its rotten. "he used to love me. .  But now he only cares about his alcohol."

Ryder puts his hand over mine. I pull away immediately. I look at him with wide eyes. I had almost forgotten he was here.

"I'm really sorry Hayden."

"No, no. Its okay. Really it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm over it."

"I know you're in pain Hayden. Can you do me a favor?"

I nod.

"When you go inside, I want you to turn all the lights on in your room, bury yourself in warm blankets, make a cup of tea whatever it is that makes you feel calm- anything but a razor blade. And I want you to think about your favorite things. Let yourself smile. . . be happy. Even if its just for a second. Remember what it feels like. And whenever you think of hurting yourself, remind yourself what it feels like. That feeling inside your stomach. Please?" 

"So I have permission to think of you..?" I ask in a whisper.

Ryder stares at me. His intense light hazel eyes burning into mine. His lips part in surprise a light pink tints his cheeks. Before I know it he's pulling me out of my seat and hugging me. I tense in shock but than soon hug him back. I hold onto him stronger than I have ever hugged anyone before. I forgot what it feels like to hug someone. 

He brings his mouth down to my ear and whispers very quietly, "You have permission to think of me whenever you want."

His words linger in my brain. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him and let the tears fall. I tried to hold them back, but I haven't been hugged in so long. This is what I needed. 

I needed him.