TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Fourteen [I Don't Want To Tell You]

I want you to know

but I don't want to tell you

-Unknown

_____________________

I did exactly what Ryder asked me to do. I went and turned all my lights on, cuddled up with my softest blanket, made a cup of tea, and just thought.
Not about the dark unfriendly things living in my head, but the pleasant warm memories.

I thought of him.

The roller rink, him teaching me how to roller skate. Us laughing like idiots.

And do you want to know what happened? I smiled. I sat there lost in my thoughts... But for the first time, they were nice thoughts. And smiled like an idiot.

But than the front door slammed shut.
It was so out of the blue I accidentally dropped my cup of tea.
Footsteps round up the staircase loudly. This can't be good, he never comes upstairs. His bedroom is on the first floor.

Bang bang bang.

"Open the door Hayden!"

I don't move.

"You bitch! Do what I said." 

I stay silent. 

Bang bang- "You think I don't know how to get in?" He laughs evilly. 

I pull my blanket tighter around me. "Go away." I wince at the weakness in my voice. 

He snickers, "You ungrateful rotten piece of trash."

I know where this is heading, it happens every time.

"You're nothing. You're worthless, you're ugly, nobody wants you. You were put up for adoption, isn't that enough proof that you're not wanted? The biggest mistake I've ever made in my life was adopting you. You worthless piece of shit. Go to hell." Spitting out the last word he slams the door behind him. I wait till I can't hear his footsteps anymore. Than I let it all sink in, everything he said. 

I know that I'm worthless, and ugly, and not wanted. But that doesn't make hearing it hurt any less. I don't cry. I just sit there sweating under the blanket that's wrapped around my shoulders. Staring at the wall in front of me I try to think of something I like about myself, but nothing comes to mind. There is nothing good about me. Like he said, I'm just a piece of trash and nothing more. 

A dry sob escapes my lips as the consuming thought of suicide settles in. I've had my death planned out for two years, all the things I would need right there under my bathroom sink. I have never had enough strength to go threw with it.

But. Maybe tonight's the night.  

Maybe I will see my mother again. Maybe I will see god, and be able to apologize for wasting away the life he gave me. Maybe... Maybe I will be wanted.

Jumping up from my bed with excitement, I run towards my bathroom and pull open the little wooden door to my vanity. I sit down on the cold floor with my back against the wall. I grab the zip-lock with my two sharpest blades that I had saved for the occasion. I take a deep breath and push as much pressure as I can, and slide it once over each wrist. Due to how deep I went, blood instantly streams down my hands. I close my eyes at the feeling. The pain feels so calming.

I reach for the bottle of pain meds, 240 capsules. I saved this brand new bottle for this day. I twist the child safety cap with shaking fingers, my blood is still pouring from my wounds. The blood making it hard to get the cap off fast enough. grunting out with anger I finally get the damn bottle open. I sigh in relief at the sight of the pills.

These pain killers can kill all the demons in my head.

I dump a hand full of the clear blue meds into my hand and bring it to my mouth. Doing so I stretch the wound that was scabbing up and cause a burning feeling.

"Shit." I groan out as the capsules spill from my left hand and scatter all over the floor.  I bend down to capture them all.  I had only collected five before my head felt heavy and everything started spinning. 

Knowing what was going to happen I scream, "No! I want to die! Let me die!" 

Than I pass out.