TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Twenty Two [You Pretend That You're Happy]

You smile,

but you wanna cry.

You talk,

but you wanna be quiet.

You pretend that you're happy,

but you aren't.

-Unknown.

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Everything is different. Never in my past would I have thought it to be possible that only a few weeks could change your whole life. Every movement in my existence had taken a journey to get there.

My mothers death took over two years, my Fathers abusive behavior only got worse over time, my loneliness proceeded to get so lonely, that the actual loneliness got lonely.

Nothing happened over night. But then Ryder walks into my world, and in the matter of a few short weeks, everything is changed. I'm not sure if its for the better, Ryder has changed my prospective on anything and everything. But I am great full.

I tuck my hands into my pockets and continue walking. I think I remember the way to the roller rink.

Yes, earlier I had said I wouldn't randomly show up at Ryder's place like a freak, but my heart hasn't slowed down its crazy paste since Olivia ruined my day in the trailer. Something is wrong. Very wrong.

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Finally. After thousands of stiff steps, I've found the place where I need to be.

The closer I get to the door the harder it is to breath. I'm afraid. Terrified.

Calm down Hayden.

Talking to myself isn't helping. As fear rips threw my veins, un thrilling thoughts that maybe I am too late, adrenaline causes me to run to the door and pull it open. A breath escapes my lips as I walk into darkness. The roller rink has no windows, its pitch black in here. I start to panic, "Ryder?" I whisper. I take tiny steps further into the room. As my eyes begin to adjust to the dark, I can make out the counter/bar looking thing to my right. I walk past it, trying to remember where the hallway that Ryder was so stern about is.

"Shit!" I curse as I stub my toe on something low to the floor. Ignoring the aching, I squint my eyes trying to make out whats in front of me. My eyes widen when I realize its light coming from under a door. I rush to it.

"Ryder?" I knock on the metal door.

No reply.

"I know you're in there." Still nothing. "If you don't answer me, I'm going to walk in." There is a loud clatter and a group of cuss words from the other side of the door. I turn the knob, only to find it locked. "Ryder, open the damn door!"

More clattering and slamming. I'm about to bang on the metal door, but I notice the knob turning. It flies open, revealing a pale and disabled looking Ryder. "Um, Hi."

"Hi?"

"Yeah."

"Whats wrong?" I ask worried. He runs his hand threw his hair. "Nothing is wrong."

My face falls with sadness. He's lying to me. "Then what were you doing in there?" I look past his broad shoulders and try to get a glance at what is in the room.

"I was uh, cleaning." It seems hard for him to get the words out, almost like something is making him use his voice against his own will.

"I'm sorry." Somehow those two words slipped from my heart.

"For what?" Ryder asks with confusion.

Memories. Scarring scenes, I'm blinded by my past, the scars on my skin that I can see even without pulling up my sleeves. I take a deep breath, if this goes wrong, and I find out that I really don't mean anything to him, It will be easier for me to go threw with killing myself. "I am sorry for every single bad thing that has ever happened to you. Life sucks. At least for me and you it does ... But Ryder, you don't need to keep things from me. You can tell me anything. Unless you don't trust me ..." I clench my hands digging my finger nails into my palms. I'm a fool. Of course he doesn't trust you. He doesn't even like you.

"Hayden ... It has nothing to do with you- I just ..." My heart stops beating, and then remembers to keep going.

I nod. "Alright."

Ryder glares at the floor. "I trust you. Its myself that I don't trust." I start to walk backwards. "I don't need sympathy. Or help." He blurts randomly.

"What are you trying I say ..?" My clenched fists dig into my palms even deeper.

"I hate seeing people in pain. I can never walk away from someone in trouble. Naturally I help people." Ryder leans up against the door frame, "When I first met you, I- I didn't want anything to do with you. Than I noticed the way you acted, the way you seemed to struggle with any thought you processed. And I wanted to help you. But ... something was different."

I stare at his face trying to figure out what was different, where he is going with this. But I stay quiet.

"Hayden, I couldn't bring myself to leave you alone. Since the beginning it felt like it was against some law for me to forget about you. I knew, I fucking knew that if I didn't back away, I would hurt you in the end. But I still fucking tried to help you. And now ... I can't look at you." His jaw is clenched and I can tell just by looking at his long sleeved shirt, his body is tense.

He hasn't met my eyes. He can't meet my eyes. I should've prepared for this day, I should've known he would leave. But it is so out of the blue, I didn't have time to think about it.

Everything that had started to heal crashes back down and shatters into small pieces, too small to be pasted back together again. My eyes turn foggy and my mind starts its loud taunting.

This is what it feels like to lose three loved ones.

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There are probably so many typos in this xD Please point them out, it makes it much easier for me.

I've mentioned before, there will be a sequel. TROUBLED is almost finished, I'm excited for the second book. Are you? : )