TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Nine {Lonliness And Heartache}

I want to save everyone from pain,

depression,

loneliness and heartache,

but how can I do that

if I can't save myself?

-Unknown

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A\N

The picture to the side ---> or to the top, is supposed to be Hayden, I might have more pictures too:P Don't be afraid to comment what you think, tell me your thoughts<3 I'll answer any questions, or clear up any confusion. Also this is a re-upload, for some reason the first time I uploaded this chapter it didn't upload right and ended up getting deleted. But thank you to @__Penguins__ for screenshotting the chapter and sending it to me, this chapter is dedicated to her, please follow her, she writes amazing fanfics<3

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Holding my hands together and placing them in my lap I continue hesitantly. "You see, we convince ourselves that we're worthless and ugly, and then once someone tries to tell us that we are perfect, of course we don't believe them because the word perfect itself is fake. It's complete fiction. But please believe me when I say this, Becca, you're beautiful, honestly. If I had your beauty, I would never doubt myself." I don't know if what all I said would help, I hardly believe it myself, but maybe she will listen to me.

Becca locks her watery eyes with mine and doesn't move. "You... You're not anything like Olivia say's. I've always known that you couldn't be a whore, or harming yourself for attention . . . Thank you..."

"Hayden." I say. It doesn't surprise me that she doesn't know my name.

Becca continues "Yes. Thank you Hayden. Can I tell you something . . ?"

I nod.

"When I was in eighth grade, I met Olivia, I sat behind her in History class- anyways she for some reason started talking to me. This surprised me because why would one of the most known girls in school want to talk to me?"

I shrug, Why is she telling me this?

"All of my friends told me to stay away from her," Becca goes on, "said she was no good. But I was so ecstatic about Olivia talking to me that I didn't listen to them ... And soon Olivia ordered me to never speak to them again, and although to this day it's one of my biggest regrets, I obeyed. Soon after that Olivia had me under her spell. One day she told me that my stomach stuck out too far, and that my thighs were too large... She had suggested that I cut out a couple meals, and that I should replace them with water, So I did... And two months later I developed an eating disorder. Olivia said to not worry, she said that my weight is more important. And so because I'm a stupid idiot, I listened to her and now I am sick of it. Of her. She ruined my life..." The tears are now again falling from her eyes. I don't know what to say. It's so hard for me to not run out of this bathroom to hunt down Olivia and beat the life out of her.

"Why did you get so scared when Ryder threatened to tell on you two?" I ask gently. Becca's eyes widen and she looks down at the floor.

"After I told Olivia about my eating disorder, she was afraid that I'd tell and get her in trouble, she threatened to kick me out of her group and make me an outcast. We didn't know it, but Ryder had been right there the whole time and he heard what all Olivia said, he was so upset, said that she's a messed up bitch for trying to make me an outcast- I guess the only reason Ryder got offended was because lets face it, he is an outcast, a hot one yes, but he never even tried to fit in. Being a reject just kind of fit him."

"So, then what?"

"Well, I told Ryder to forget about it, but when he didn't drop it, I got scared that he would tell on Olivia, so I told him to fuck out of my business."

Hearing this I jump to my feet. How dare she say that to Ryder when all he was doing was trying to help?

As if Becca is just now remembering that Ryder is my friend, her brown eyes widen to the point where I think they'll pop out of their sockets. "I- I know that Ryder isn't...I'm sorry."

"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." I fake a smile. She looks down with guilt. But I don't feel bad. I already regret talking to her; it has nothing to do with her personally. It's just the fact that she's a person, and associated with Olivia.

"I need to go. Don't say anything to Olivia about me. Okay?"

"Sure, I don't want to be around her anyway."

With a single nod I walk out of the bathroom and start walking in the direction of the trailer. I would much rather go back to the house, but I know that he would most likely be there. I make my way behind the school and walk through the scolding November wind. It blows my hair around and bites my nose staining it temporally red. Picking up my pace I reach the trailer door and pull it open.
For some reason my heart does this little flutter of disappointment and my stomach has a one second wave a nausea when I see that Ryder isn't already here.
It's a weird feeling that I would inarticulate if I try to explain.

I sit down at a desk and stare ahead at the plain white wall. Sleeping doesn't seem to be an option today.

Why do I feel like something bad is happening, or about to happen? I'm probably overreacting. I'm sure everything is fine.

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A full hour later and I find myself still sitting in the same seat staring at the same wall. He never showed up. But that's fine. I mean the guy has a life, for all I know he had a dentist appointment. Deciding to give up, I get up from my butt numbing position and walk towards the door. I have a long walk ahead of me- no it's a freezing long walk ahead of me.

Twenty minutes into my walk back to the place where my bedroom is, and I'm convinced that my fingers will fall off. My feet are stinging with every step I take. And size too small combat boots just make it all worse. It's not like I have expensive clothing, I'm stuck with the same closet full as I did back in eighth grade.

Only twenty more minutes.
Just twenty.
I reiterate to myself. I try to keep up a steady pace until I see the street my house is on. Finally, after much despair, I make it.

My cold room greets me as I walk through the doorway. My bed is neatly made. Spots on the floor stained brown from blood that I never cleaned up. The black curtains are drawn locking out every ounce of light. Leaving my room just cold and dark. I put in my headphones and blast my music until every memory from today is deaf. Except, I still feel like something bad has happened.

But what?

I'm sure that if I go to sleep and stop thinking about it, I'll wake up in the morning and everything will be fine.

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It's three in the morning... I have been laying awake trying to figure out why I feel so uneasy. But it's been three hours, and I still haven't come up with a conclusion.

This sucks.