TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Ten [You Want To Die]

You go home.

You look in the mirror.

You cry.

You think you are ugly.

You think you are fat.

You want to die.

And the worst thing is,

the next day it happens all over again

until the day you give up.

-Unknown

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A/N The picture of the guy is supposed to be Ryder. Tell me what you think about him..?:)

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I don't want to go to school today. Therefore, I'm not. It feels like its been nine months since I've last skipped school.
After waking up and taking a shower, I changed into sweatpants and a sweatshirt with the University I used to plan on going to in large white letters steamed on the front.

I woke up three hours ago, at six. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, the feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like a million boulders weighing me down won't leave.

I reach for my hot straightener from the bathroom countertop and section off my long hair, I start flattening it with boredom. I have been trying to do activities during the three hours that I've been up, keeping myself busy helps any ideas of hurting myself stay asleep. So far I have already organized my whole closet, did my makeup, made my bed, and even went through and got rid of old clothes that I will never in my life again wear.

Right as I am finishing up the bottom layer of my hair, there's a quiet knock on the front door. If the house wasn't so silent I wouldn't of heard it. Deciding to ignore it because it's probably just a solicitor, or worst... Him.

But the knocking doesn't stop, it grows more intense. Once it gets to the point where I can't take the pounding it's causing in my head, I unplug my straightener and slowly walk down the stairs. The sight in front of me causes the breath I was holding to come out in a large surprised gasp. Standing on my front porch is none other than Ryder. I instantly pull open the door and stare at him with wide eyes.

"Ryder..." And then I actually look at him... His eyes are unfocused and seem to be moving around in all directions. His chin has an unshaven scruffle. And above his eye, but under his- since when did he have an eyebrow piercing?! Wow... Okay maybe I have never realized it before, but how..? Anyway, above his eye, and under his piercing is a swollen welt.

"What happened?"

"No. Um I can't- Hayden..." Ryder runs his hand through his hair and looks around nervously. What is wrong with him?

"What is wrong?" I ask, "Come inside."

Ryder steps past me and than just stares at me. I stare back and try to figure out the problem. "You look good."

"What?"

"I said you look good- wait I'm sorry I'm blabbering things. I'm sorry." Ryder looks away and rubs the back of his neck. I bite my lip and take a deep breath before talking. "Don't be. But tell me what's wrong."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"No, because every time I try to explain it, I sound more and more crazy. I don't want you to hear, and than run away because you're scared. I can't... I can't lose you yet Hayden. I know that we only met a little bit ago, but I feel like I have known you forever." He looks me straight in the eyes and walks closer to me. I hold my breath and take a small step backwards. Somethings wrong. He continues to walk towards me and that's when I smell the alcohol on his breath. My hands go to push him backwards as fear of him hitting me overtakes me reluctantly.

"Ryder Stop..." I bite my lip and push him away from me as he gets even closer. His eyes are glazed over, the lightness of them now cloudy. Without thinking twice I grab his arm and pull him towards the door. He winces but doesn't protest. I push him out the front door and look after him with tear filled eyes. I can't believe this is happening, the one person that I thought I could maybe trust.

Ryder shakes his head and walks backwards, as he locks his eyes with mine I notice the tears falling down his cheeks.

No- no no. I can't do this. A sob escapes me as I slowly close the door. I collapse against the cold metal and slide to the ground. Seeing him cry completely broke down my walls, usually I can take it but seeing someone like Ryder, someone so strong, seeing him cry because of real pain tears me apart. But than I remember what could of happened. He was drunk. I don't have a good history with drunk people.

But wait, why was he drunk in the first place? What was it that he was afraid to tell me? I look out the window, but he's gone. There's no sign of him or his jeep. Oh gosh... I just let a drunk person get behind the wheel of a car...

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A\N

A very short chapter, I apologize. I will work on chapter 11 as soon as I can. Please leave your feedback:) Also, if you have a book that you would like me to check out, just comment and I'll try my best to read them all<3

Toodles Bookworms;)