TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Twenty Three [Feel Broken]

I don't remember

what its like

to not feel broken

-Unknown.

_______________________

"I understand. I can't look at myself either." I whisper as I walk backwards. Ryder looks up with tears in his eyes, I can't stay here anymore. Not only am I unwanted, but seeing him cry is going to drive me insane.

I turn around quickly, scattering past the bar/island and right out the door. distantly I hear Ryder screaming at himself, but at this point nothing is forming together correctly in my mind.

My body shakes with disappointment, every single time my heart beats against my chest a shiver walks up my spine.

My memory is working in overdrive, replaying each time my father had hit me, mixing together the first, and last into a swirling painful memory.

The first time Ryder kissed me, how for those very few seconds I wasn't broken.
I run up my icy driveway and into the front door. Like usual the house is freezing cold and dark. I collapse onto my bedroom floor with exhaustion.

All I want to do is sleep. I want to forget about everything.

Everything.

Trying to not think about it, I try to focus on one thing. But one something is too much of everything. They all lead to another.

My cold body lays still numbly on the floor. I stare up at the ceiling even though I can't see it, it's too dark. but I continue to stare.
I stay this way for hours. I tell myself that tomorrow if I act like nothing happened, Ryder would still be in the trailer waiting for me to show up, and than we'll stay in that small room and pick on each other, he would try endlessly to impress me - but of course fail.

The small curve of my lips awakes the truth I buried deep inside of myself. Ryder isn't going to be waiting for me tomorrow, he no longer cares to impress me.

Ryder isn't here anymore.

I bolt up into a sitting position. My breathing turns rapid.

Ryder isn't here anymore.

"No. No. No." I shove my fingers threw my tangled hair and shake my head. Quickly becoming panicked I rush out of my bedroom and hurry down the stairs.

I run out the front door and into the frozen dark world. I spot headlights driving down my neighborhood street, I run to the side of the car and bang on the window.

"Please. I need help. Please." I plead. The old woman behind the wheel of the dark blue, maybe its black but I can't tell, car looks at me surprised. I hear the horrible sound of the car doors locking and my shoulders slump with sadness. "I really need your help ma'am ..." I stare in threw the window at her large eyes that are framed with glasses. "Please."

The instant I see her unlock the doors I pull on the handle and slide in, hitting my knee in the process.

"Are you okay? What's wrong with you?" The old woman looks me up and down, seemingly judging my skinny form.

"I need to get to that old roller rink."

"Old roller rink? There are many of them around here hon."

I dig deep into my mind trying to remember if I ever caught the name of the street the rink is on. "Its right around here somewhere. What's the closest abandoned roller rink in this area?" I rub my right hand up my left arm anxiously.

"You mean the Ann Oak Roller City? Honey, no one has been near that road in over fifty years." She thinks that I'm crazy. I can see it in her eyes. I hold back my scream of frustration. I clench my teeth and stare at her. "I need to get there as quick as possible. I know something isn't right ..." I pause. quietly I add, "He's gone ..."

The woman puts her car in reverse and backs into the closest driveway, turning the car around she heads for the dark road surrounded with trees that leads to Ryder's roller rink.

"Thank you."

__________________________

Five minutes. It took five minutes to get here. I thank the old woman, she insists on waiting for me, she still thinks I'm crazy.
Then again, I probably am crazy.

I shut the car door behind me and run to the door of the rink. Finding the door unlocked I burst into the building. Its dark. Deja vu' sucker punches my gut as I find my way threw the dark. I make it to what I believe is the room where Ryder was earlier, but this time, there's no light. Nothing. It's pitch black. I fumble for the door knob, locating it I discover it unlocked.

I slowly push open the door, the room is in full darkness just like the rest of the building. I feel the wall beside the doorway for a light switch. flicking on the light I shut my eyes at the flood of brightness.
I re open my eyes and look around astonished.

The ceiling is painted black, many splatters of all different colored paint spread threw out. The floors are concrete, but covered in uncountable amount of area rugs. The huge room has a whole wall covered in shelving, but I don't pay attention to what fills them. My eyes are focused on the bed at the other side of the room. I can't really tell, but it looks like a mop of hair resting against the mattress.

"Ryder?" I walk over to the opposite side of the bed.
My knees buckle at what I am met with.

Ryder is sitting on the floor with his head up against the bed, his eyes closed and face pale. But what really knocks the breath from my lunges is below his face. He's no longer in his usual long sleeved Cotten shirt, no, he's wearing a simple white T-shirt. And His arms are covered in scars.

His body is lifeless.

"Nuh uh" my nostrils flare as I hold back my tears. "Nuh uh." I repeat. "You're still alive. Ryder, you're still here." I drop down next to him and gently lift his head. "Ryder wake up." My tears crash like waves down my cheeks. I look down at his hands and see the bottle of Advil that he had taken away from me when I had tried to kill myself. I pick up the container with shaking fingers. "No!" I throw the empty bottle across the room and shake with sobs. "Y - you can't. You can't." I struggle to catch my breath as I stare at his eye lids. I will never see his beautiful eyes again.

I squeeze his cold hand. "Ryder, wake up. I'm sorry. Please Ryder, I'm sorry."

But he doesn't wake up. His eyes stay closed and his heart stays asleep.

Suddenly, I hear sirens, loud sirens. Before I know what's going on two police officers rush into the room, one picks me up from the floor and lifts me away from Ryder's body, and the other one hurries back out of the room.

"No! He needs me!" I scream at the officer. He doesn't get a chance to reply, EMT's holding a gurney run to Ryder's side.

I stare ahead at nothing and everything. One of the metics is yelling to the other, but I don't hear what she's saying. I don't hear anything.

Everything swirls together while I watch them lift Ryder's lifeless body onto the stretcher.

Lifeless.

________________________

I got no news from the hospital. There was no way for them to contact me, or to even know to contact me. I sat in my room for a week waiting for Ryder to walk threw my door and tell me he was alright.

But that never happened.

I was left in the dark, with empty eyes, hopes too high, and a Troubled soul.