TROUBLED (completed) (re-writing)

Chapter Twelve [I Don't Want To Be Me]

She finally let go

of her fake smile

and tears slowly rolled down 

her face as she whispered to herself 

"I don't want to be me."

-Unknown

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The picture is of Becca:p

The song up top (or to the side) Is one of my favorite songs, if you haven't heard it yet, you should check it out. And if you like it (or don't) make sure you tell me what you think!

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Just stay calm. 

Everything is fine. 

He's fine.

You're fine. 

Stop lying to yourself Hayden. I inwardly say. 

You know what? My mind is made up. I stand there in the foot deep snow in front of the house, and decide that I will go to school, and without making it obvious that I care if he's hurt or not, I will search for Ryder. 

I haft to keep reminding myself as I trek threw the snow that its not a chore, because I love snow. But it still aggravates me, my feet are freezing. 

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Shivering, I walk threw the doors to school. I'm late, but that doesn't matter. I walk down the hall towards my first class when I realize that I've already missed half of the lesson and there's no use. So I turn back around and walk back out threw the doors. 

After checking the trailer and seeing no sign of Ryder, I decide to walk to the only other place that he could be since I don't know where he lives. The roller rink. 

Only problem is, I have no idea where that is. . . I guess this will be testing how good my memory is. So far the only thing that I remember about the drive to the roller rink was that Ryder took a left turn.

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*

Left turn my ass, there's nothing down here. Complete vacant woods and silence. Only sound is the occasional yell of frustration that I let loose. 

"Really Ryder?! Why do you make me care so much?!" I scream at nothing.

"This is all your fault! Why do I even care if your hurt or not?!" I continue to yell even though I know that he can't hear me. 

I don't want to, but I keep walking. Soon I come to  a road that looks familiar, I cross it not even bothering to look both ways. The broken down grey building wouldn't be hard to miss if I had never been here before, but luckily I recognize the place. This is the roller rink. 

As I near closer to the building I don't see Ryder's jeep. My spirits fall just as quickly as the breath that comes out in a puff from my mouth. 

Its probably parked behind the place. I tell myself.

I don't think that I have enough energy to walk all the way around the roller rink. So I start walking towards the door hoping that it will be unlocked. Right as I'm about to try the doorknob, the door swings open and a refreshed looking Ryder appears. I stare at him and he stares at me. His eyes are back to normal and his face is clean shaven, his hair is still messy, but he can pull that off unlike myself. 

"Hayden?"

"Um- I was worried because of what happened yesterday- you weren't at school." I blurt out in a scrambled mess. His expression is confused, his eyebrows pushed together into a frown, and his lips slightly parted. I start to fret that maybe I had imagined the whole thing and this was all in my head, until Ryder's face changes. His lips are now pushed into a straight line and his hand moves up to his hair, something I realized he does when he's nervous or upset. 

"Listen Hayden, I'm sorry, I don't know what I said- or did," He looks terrified now, "but please, know that yesterday I was a mess. I'm not usually like that, but. . . I don't know, yesterday I felt like shit. But its okay now, I'm okay. can you please forget that I was the way I was, and forgive me?" I stand there in shock. I don't even know how to process this. Yesterday he was a mess, for some unknown reason and he wants me to forget that I ever saw him like that? But what was wrong? 

"But Ryder-"

"Please. I'm so sorry. I need you to forget about what happened so that we can return things to the way they were."

I think about it for a second. He wants me to forget that I ever saw him in a state of hysterics, and act like everything is normal. I guess as long as nothing serious is wrong, I think that I can forget it. . . He would do the same thing for me.

I nod. But the fact that he was drinking alcohol scared me. 

"I usually don't drink Hayden..." Once again, this guy and his psychic mind reading.

"Sure." I look down at my icy dry hands.

"Fuck, you must be freezing! Here, get in my jeep." I walk with him over to the car and get in the passenger side after he opened the door for me. 

We ride in silence until Ryder decides to break the awkwardness. "I wasn't in school today because I over slept." 

"Why weren't you there yesterday?" 

"Uh- over slept. Haha." He laughs, a fake laugh. I turn to stare out the window while I ponder why he would be lying to me. I hate it when people lie to me. 

"No actually, uh, it was my brothers birthday. I didn't feel like going to school, so I spent the whole day visiting him, and stuff." 

Ryder runs his hand threw his hair, I can tell he is telling the truth this time. He glances over at me seeming to be expecting me to question him, but I just nod.