SCENERY / Taejin

3. A Secret

When we debuted as BANGTAN after two years of training, we were the happiest and everything excited us. No matter how small our stages, or how short our broadcasts were, it was so valuable to us and we made sure we made the most out of it all.

Jiminie and Kook became my best friends in the entire world. And Bangtan became my everything. My sceneries everyday were filled with them - our smiling faces, our laughs, games and jokes, made our dorm my favourite place in the world.

We had passed some very tough times and we were ready to go through even tougher things together.

And that's what I always told myself whenever I felt like I was breaking down again. Whenever I fought with my parents, lost an old friend, or when the internet and it's hate and comments really scared me..
and even when grandma passed away just 3 years after I've achieved my dream as an Idol. She was the most important person in my life.

I honestly believe I couldn't have made it without the guys.

Among them, I relied on Jin-hyung the most in my times of difficulties. I held onto him for dear life as if the smallest gap between us would make me crumble down.

He was my anchor.
And my safe place.
I could tell him everything and every secret felt safe with him.

Every secret except one.

A secret I couldn't even believe myself.

But I believed Grandma when she told me. She was magical, you see? She knew things I didn't even know.

Whenever I visited home, I rambled on and on all night with my stories. I didn't want Grandma to miss any detail about my life in the city. I told her about Bangtan and our funny PD; Jin-hyung's laughter and all his jokes that I surprisingly memorized. I told her about every song and dance we worked on and how Jin-hyung and I went to nearby parks to practice even more in the night so that he won't get scolded the next day. I had so much to tell her and she always found the time to listen.

"My dear pumpkin.. You really love your Jin-hyung, don't you?"

"Of course I do. I love all of them."

"I'm sure you do, my dear.."

"I told you I'd knew right away." And she flashed me the sweetest smile and pinched my cheeks.

I loved all of them. Like my brothers and my best friends.

But Grandma was right. I didn't like those words when it came to describing Jin-hyung. I didn't want him to be just my brother or my friend.

The idea of him as a lover didn't exactly cross my mind in the beginning. All I know is that I wanted him near me always and be exclusively mine.

I wanted all his goofiness, his silliness, his kindness;
All his jokes, laughs, comforts to be mine.

I got incredibly jealous whenever I felt like he was sharing his attention to the others too.

I was possessive of something I thought was only mine by my delusions only.
I was sickening.

It was greatly confusing when it came to girls too.
I've had liked girls in middle school..or so I thought.
Or maybe they've liked me first and I felt it was only polite to answer the feelings.

Jin-hyung made me feel things- no one else and no other girl could. I'd wake up happy if I had dreamed about him. I'll be happier if I could see him again all day. Every little interaction between us made me skip a heartbeat in excitement and it only got more intense in time.

Before, I couldn't wait to go home during the holidays and every vacation we got. But I gradually started spending more time in the city. It was a place that had hyung in it and I liked the scenery wherever he was. 

Grandma really had that magic. She saw right through me yet again before I even realized it. Was I that obvious?

That meant Hyung would know too. And how will he accept that information? It scared me more than anything.
He could be disgusted. He could be angry. He could leave me. And if he left..like Grandma did, I'll never be able to recover from anything again.

He can't know.
This has to be one secret I can never trust him with.
This secret is mine and mine only.
This secret is my stigma.